Listen

What is it?

What's wrong with me?

I ask myself that question everyday

At school

At home

The streets

On my bed

I know the answer but on the same time I don't, I can talk for hours at the ceiling or floor and feel more lost with each word I tell myself

Something is tearing me apart, I know on the physical plane what it is and I think I know what it is on a mental plane also

But I still doubt what I think

Even if I talk for hours I feel like I still tripped on the stairs

I fall right back down to the abyss

A abyss where I cant see the light

light that is my goal, dreams, happiness

I can't find the stairs that lead me back up

And when I do I'm worse than before

the darkness already adding more to what is already on before

the weights

The weight that drags behind me on the stairs as I go up

the weights that make it hard and harder to climb those steps

School, home, family, friends, expectations...

expectations

That word scares me

The word feels like a predator that just stalks me from a distance

I feel it around me, everywhere I go

but I don't know from which direction it is going to come at me

And when it does come at me I feel it tear me apart slowly

It feeds on me, chewing a piece of me out each day, each hour, each minute, each second

I the pain of the bite each time I enter school, each class I go into, each teacher I see

Even my friends are predators

The eyes of expectation just linger from each person I see

I know its not real

I know that it's just me

Just my imagination

maybe I'm paranoid

But what if I wrong about that?

What if they do?

I don't think about it much

I never thought about it this hard

I always get scared when I think about it

I always tend to ignore it

I'm a coward

I always was

Just never though or admitted to it

Fear always just like expectation is another weight on my back going up the stairs

It lingers

Worse than the expectation

because it created the expectation

it created my thoughts

it created the predator

like it creates so many other things

What am I going to do?

I wake up everyday with this anxiety on my back

this fear of each day

fear of seeing others

I feel scared when going to school

scared of everything

...

...

...

But I also feel anger

anger at myself

for being so scared

for being such a coward

but I don't know why

why am I like this?

I'm scared