𝖠 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖾𝖼𝗁 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗢𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗮

About Olivia

Olivia was quiet sometimes, but those some times she was quiet, it meant a lot.
Maybe people never really payed attention to how Olivia was, maybe she was not as brilliant as she thought, and that's why today we're here, because we couldn't help her, we didn't see her, and even if we did, it would be too late.
Olivia was happy but somehow she always came back to hell, she always had those thoughts she couldn't control, she always tried to look for ways to relieve her pain. Anyhow, she tried to live and felt alive with the man she was with, him being the story of her entire life while she'll remain a chapter in his.
Today we want to thank God, for the angel he sent and took back, because she trusted him but what she committed -the reason why we're here today- was a sin, which allows us to ask ourselves whether she's guilty or not, resulting to today's gathering and everybody's thinking about being nothing but helpless.
Olivia never meant any harm. Never meant to cause anything but happiness. She wanted a better world, she wanted to put her energy into what she liked, although her time was limited, as she knew she'd end up becoming nothing else but a memory.
She always had to pretend to crave this desire of being a leader, but little by little, everything fell apart, and eventually, she was just a woman. Her passion faded away.
People maybe saw her down face, her empty stares, her voice tone a bit shaky. People maybe saw her in a way she didn't know, but people wouldn't dare to ask.
Or people wouldn't see anything, because their world didn't turn around Olivia.
Suddenly, she was gone, the interest became tastier.
Olivia felt threatened by life, a gift from God. An experiment she thought she didn't want anymore, she wanted to go back home, somewhere she belonged, anywhere but not here, not anywhere else. This was all because her misunderstanding was in a noose.
That feeling would almost left her alone. She'd almost feel free as she used to, she'd almost show her dimples as much as she loved them.
It almost worked.

Olivia never wanted to change her true soul, she liked it that way. Well, that's what she thought. About herself. Because she couldn't remember when others' opinions mattered. Even though deep down, she wanted to matter in everyone's eyes as the brightest shade of the sun, as the first flame of a candle.
Olivia danced a lot in her alone time, danced crazy like she held a cigarette, except she didn't smoke, singing until her throat hurt and her saliva could take no more.
She was dancing as if fire was burning her skin just behind her, loving the feeling of being taken away, cried sometimes while dancing, laughed more before.
She didn't love herself but she loved the objects revolving around her, the atmosphere that surrounded her, embraced her movements and her emotions.
But why are we here today?
To talk about about the dirty part. Yes, it sounds like she was enjoying her time, yet, she knew what was following the other day so she made every break from her tiredness very special to at least remember who she was back then -before all the clouds were crying on her.
She only lived by the surrounding, never by herself, because, who was she? What was left? All she knew was that how the universe affected the weather and how the weather affected the trees of earth played a crucial role in her "person", in her "character".
She wanted everybody to think and refer her as the most complexed shade in every color, to let people know they're not all she was thinking about, she never cared, she stopped caring when people started to leave her.
Olivia kept apologizing until words like sorry and pardon became nothing else but a joke. Whose fault ? You may ask. The answer is, you.

But at the end of every situation, she always felt misunderstood and miserable. She could dance in the flames and lift her arms like if they were her wings, she'd burn.
She used to ask herself every day what was wrong with her ? Why would people be like this with her ? What was her problem ? Why did she feel this way when she enjoyed her own time? Her own presence ?
People never wanted to "use her", but it always ended up this way. The way she became boring and nobody found her as interesting as they thought.
Notice how it's always they and Olivia.

Olivia had a dog. And he died. She cherished him and thought he would always stay by her side even tho his whole existence since she got him til the last day she saw him dying in her arms, it was tense, tough, and complicated. Her family didn't really wanna keep him because they were too busy to take care of him and they only realized it after they got him, and until her last breath, Olivia blamed them, because maybe if everybody wasn't against him at one point, maybe she could've gone through grief with peace. She never wanted to talk about how she felt even though it deeply destroyed her, little by little, and one day she was probably fed and she turned into an angry, sad and raging woman. But it was before, because, well, today she's gone.
She always wanted to join him, because she thought he was a real soulmate, a soul tie, she never felt misunderstood with her dog. She didn't talk a lot with him, she felt like words were useless because words are part of lies, and she always thought so far, from little things. Everything was philosophical.
She then continued to live without her dog. It was scratching her organs. Her heart. It affected her stupid brain. It affected her stomach, she always had to go to the toilet from all the stress nobody could ever handle or understand.
Til this day, nobody could understand her pain.

But this wasn't the only pain she experienced, she thought during a small period of her lifetime, that maybe she was an angel sent from God because she wasn't even good enough for heaven and He needed time to decide if wether or not He wanted her there.
Olivia forgot a lot to pray. She felt helpless. She felt broken. She felt dead.
And nobody could understand. Because either she was being too dramatic, or she was just an attention seeker. And this illness followed her til she finally died.
At the end, she didn't even care. Maybe she would've regretted it. Probably. But she's better wherever she is, because she hated humankind, and even if she never meant harm to anyone, she despised everyone. She did and it would be too complicated for you to understand, anyways.

So you can remember her or you can choose to forget the pure and the dirty parts of her soul. It won't matter, because she was thoughtless enough to decide that her life was meaningless.
Even though we all know Olivia would've regretted her choice, as her spirit is here, listening to this speech.

Whenever there was a problem, Olivia was always brought to her past, she couldn't control her mess, and her room slowly began to sink into her shit. She was desperate, it's like she tried to ask for help before but no one took her seriously. As a consequence she started to scratch her skin very often, she slept in a lonely bed smelling her sweat and a floor covered in dirty clothes, and her eyes looked soulless. She wanted her skin to cover her face. She wanted to stop all this horror from happening.
The nights she felt like she was gonna die from heartbreak and anxiety, she always wondered how the hell she didn't die sooner. And why God wanted her so much to feel the weight of her existence.
But God never meant any harm either, so that's why she was the problem. That was her fault, she thought.
She wanted to drown in her tears, and when she had no more tears, breathing felt like hard work, it felt like a terrible effort to make just for a stupid life that didn't even want her.
She always wanted to sleep, but the only way she could fall asleep was to cry over her pillow and look at herself in the mirror while repeating continuously "Pathetic. Dumb and stupid."