my neck is cold (without the hands that strangled me)

Dear Nobody,

I'm not sure the exact moment I started thinking this way. 

Thinking that I need to get Dazai's approval, no matter the cost. Was it when we first met? When he first brought me to the Mafia? Perhaps it happened over time. I guess it doesn't really matter all that much, anyway. Whenever it was, it's not really important. Everything I do is for that man, and his acknowledgement. At some point, I even started to think like him. (Was it recently? I'm not sure.) I mean, he's right. What really is the point to living? What is our purpose here? What reason do we have to carry on in this world? Without him, I wouldn't have a reason to give you. 

Now, I am without him, and I don't have a reason to give you. (Without him, I feel colder than ever before.) He left the Port Mafia years ago, and joined the Armed Detective Agency. But even after he left, I still had contact with him (at least after he joined the agency, that is). But now, he truly is gone, and I myself am not sure why I am still here, still wishing for his approval, even after his death. Seeking someone who left me so long ago. It sort of seems silly, in hindsight. Chasing after someone who doesn't even bother to run away. My whole life, I devoted my time and energy to one mere man. He always gave attention and praise to everyone else. Even the man he swore he hated, Chuuya, he wanted to be around more. I'm unsure why I even tried for his praise. Praise from a man who only looked my way to belittle me. Looking back, I wish things were different. Maybe if life was just a little easier on me, I wouldn't be here, writing this letter. But it wasn't, and there's no point in looking back now. 

I have many memories of my mentor. Most of them, I remember looking at him like he was a god. A man that could do no wrong. Looking back (which I seem to be doing a lot of, at the moment), the moments I saw him like that were the moments he hurt me the worst. Once, he shot me in the foot whilst grabbing my hand so I couldn't use Rashoumon against him. He said it was to teach me what it was like, to grow a tolerance to it. I wholeheartedly believed him. Some people may think that it's crazy, but it worked, so I guess he knew what he was doing. 

He even got me to treat people in a similar fashion. Like with Kyouka. It was never intentional, neither me nor him meant for the way I treated her, and I wish more than anything that I got a chance to apologize. Now, I guess, my apology would be meaningless to her. She's found her light, with Nakajima and the rest of the Agency. I am extremely happy for her, and I wish her the best. I wonder how she took the news of Dazai's death. I wish she knew how much I regret treating her the way I did. (I also have another regret. Gin, if you're reading this, I should've never let you join the mafia. You should be living a normal life, away from my crime-filled one. Maybe you can still get away, I would much prefer it if you did. My tragic life of crime is not one for someone as perfect as you. While it is true you are a very skilled assassin, I think you would be happier living a normal life. A normal life I wish I gave you.)

I never really talked to Dazai about things not related to work. I never knew what to talk to him about, what to ask him. If I were to have one more conversation, what would I say? Maybe I would ask if he was finally proud of me. Perhaps I would ask what he thinks happens after we die. For a man who only ever talks about suicide, he never really talked about the afterlife. Do you think he's looking down at me as I write this (or more likely, up)? Maybe he believed that there is no afterlife. Maybe he believed in reincarnation. Whatever he thought, I'm sure he was right, for he is Dazai — and Dazai is correct almost all of the time. 

I guess there's no use in wondering about the afterlife now, when I am so close. Of course my last thoughts have to be about Dazai, I don't think there's any other option for me. (Was my life worthy enough for you, Dazai? Was I ever good enough? Maybe soon I will find out.) My apologies if this letter is a little out of sorts, I'm pretty shaken up right now. I'm going to leave this on my bed, I'm not sure who will find it. Most likely it will be Gin. To you, Gin, I am sorry. I wish I was better, I wish I was there for you. 

My sincerest good-bye to Nobody, 

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa