Tuesday
If there's one thing I've learned after years of being an older brother, it's that taking Manny anywhere is like signing up for disaster. And today, disaster's name was Manny Heffley at the grocery store.
Mom decided it would be a "fun family outing" to go to the store together. I didn't think "fun" and "grocery shopping" even belonged in the same sentence, but whatever. It was either that or stay home and help Dad clean out the garage. So, off we went, me, Mom, and of course Manny.
Now, the second we stepped through those automatic doors, I knew we were in trouble. Manny's eyes lit up like he just walked into Willy Wonka's factory. He grabbed a mini shopping cart—the kind they leave out for kids—and started zooming around the aisles like it was a race track. And naturally, no one stopped him.
Mom was busy with her grocery list, which meant it was my job to keep Manny in check. That's like trying to stop a tornado with a butterfly net.
At first, Manny was just being annoying. He stuffed his cart with things like marshmallows, pudding cups, and candy bars—basically everything Mom never buys. But then, things took a turn for the worse when we hit the cereal aisle.
Manny spotted this giant box of Sugar-O's, the kind with a cartoon dragon on the front, and demanded Mom buy it. Of course, Mom said no. She explained that cereal with that much sugar would make him "bounce off the walls." Manny didn't seem to hear her. Instead, he just stood there, staring at her with those big, innocent eyes he always uses to get what he wants. It's scary how well that works, by the way.
But when Mom stood firm, Manny shifted into a new phase: Total Meltdown Mode. He threw himself on the floor and screamed like someone had stolen his favorite toy. People started staring, and you could tell Mom was embarrassed. She tried picking him up, but Manny did this thing where he went completely limp, turning himself into a human noodle. At that point, he was a five-star show.
By the time she finally got him off the ground, Manny had somehow managed to grab the box of Sugar-O's and stuffed it into his cart. While Mom was busy taking the cereal out, Manny made his escape.
I tried following him, but Manny is surprisingly fast for a three-year-old. He weaved in and out of aisles, and by the time I caught up to him, he'd already dumped an entire shelf of canned peas onto the floor. And when I say "dumped," I mean he stood there, deliberately pushing each can off the shelf one by one. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, Manny found a display of those mini cheeses wrapped in wax and started throwing them at me.
Of course, this is when Mom finally turned the corner and saw the chaos. She gave me the look—you know, the one that says, "How could you let this happen?" Like I was the one throwing cheese!
Mom grabbed Manny and gave him a super serious "talk" about how grocery stores aren't playgrounds. Manny, being Manny, just stared up at her with his usual blank face, like he had no idea why she was upset. I don't think he even heard a word she said because the next thing I knew, he was sticking his fingers in a tub of ice cream from the freezer section.
And just when we thought we were done, Manny pulled out his secret weapon: a gallon of milk.
Now, I have no idea how he did it, but before anyone could stop him, Manny swung the milk jug like a wrecking ball and smashed it on the floor. Milk exploded everywhere. It was like a dairy apocalypse. I stood there, frozen, as the river of milk spread across the floor, and Manny just giggled.
Mom was done. She gave up on the rest of the shopping and dragged us both out of the store, leaving behind the disaster zone Manny created. As we walked to the car, she muttered something about how "this is why we can't have nice things."
And the worst part? Manny didn't even get in trouble. Mom blamed the whole thing on his "sugar crash," even though he didn't actually eat any sugar.
I guess that's just how things go when you're Manny. You cause total chaos, walk away without a scratch, and somehow everyone thinks it's adorable.
Anyway, I'm not going grocery shopping with him ever again. Mom's on her own next time. Or better yet, she can send Dad.
