I. 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 : ᴠᴇɴᴛꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ʀᴀᴍʙʟᴇꜱ.

28 : i'm alive, so-

i hate so much of this disgusting planet and the fucking people living upon it. I'm so sick of everything and everyone, the world simply sucks and it never gets better, i hate admitting it but at this point, what else is there to do?

I need to force myself out of the delusional thoughts i have that everything is okay, that the world is good, that the people inside of my world is perfect, that everything is fine.

Because you know what? It isn't. it just isn't. And i suppose after these past few days i've realised that.

I despise everything about this shitty universe, and i despise whatever fucking God-ly creature had decided to make me into existence, because obviously that fucking bastard finds some sort of thrill of entertainment in forcing me to stay on this fucking planet.

I know being immortal is completely fictional, but at this point i feel like in some ways i fall into having that god damn curse.

I've tried everything, any possible fucking outcome to death, i have FUCKING tried. And yet, i am still here, still forced to roam the streets of the cold, dull, blank world and forced to watch everything happen around me without much of a reason to care anymore.

I don't care.

I hate being alive.

These past few days have been hell, worse than usual and shit do i not even wish to talk about any of it. And i won't, because the more I own up to people here, the more valuable i am, the more dirt you people have on me, the more shit you can have on my head, the more everything. Not to mention the closer we get the more forced "will to live" i gain.

Can i be completely honest with you all?

I hate you.

or, i suppose, better words to use together would be, i hate the fact that i love you all/p. I hate the fact I grew attachments. I despise myself for even letting me get close. I despise myself for seeing everyone as something more than a simple basic acquaintance. I hate that i bothered interacting in general. I hate myself, I don't hate you. I hate the decisions that I had made.

I hate it all, because i know that now there's nothing i can do but live. i couldn't die before, no matter the lengths i had gone to reach, but now that i genuinely care about people? that i see you all as siblings, parental figures, platonic lovers, etc.. I can't leave.

I just can't. And I hate it so fucking much.

I just want to leave, i don't want to be here anymore, the world isn't worth living in. It isn't worth anything, and I'm sure as hell not worth anyone's god damn time.

..I hate people so much, they're so loud. they always push their own beliefs onto you, their own opinions you had never asked for, they push their ways onto you and still expect for you to simply accept it and continue on with life.

They are all *so* loud, sometimes i just want to permanently sew their mouths closed or cut my ears off so i can't hear them anymore.

Music doesn't help any more, i can't keep blocking everything out.

I know i say a lot of the time that i have people worth living for, but right now? i'm sorry to those i had completely lied to, but you aren't those people. In fact, those "people" don't fucking exist. the only thing keeping me from the drive of pure insanity is some stupid duck obsession of mine.