Letters From You.

44.

Dear Mom and Dad,

From an early age, I realized how privileged I was. Kayla and I have a warm home and parents who love us. We are poor as dirt; I understand that. But I wouldn't be able to leave for college next year without your love and support. 

When I was younger, I tried my hardest to not ask for the new doll at the store, because I could see in your eyes the turmoil building up and spilling over. One day, I hope you finally get a winning lottery ticket, Dad. And I hope they finally promote you to manager, Mom. I can't think of two more deserving people.

I know I tend to shut down. Sometimes for days. But I just think it's a natural instinct. Fight or flight, ya know? I don't do it because I resent you. I'd like to think it happens because I'm trying to protect you.Deep down, you know that I need help, Dad. I understand why you don't want to hear the words though. No one wants to hear that their daughter has something wrong with her brain. I get it. I really do. 

I'm sorry my panic attacks freak you out, and I'm sorry I made Mom cry when she found out I was hurting myself. 

I would never admit this to you, but sometimes late at night, when the depression hits me so hard, I think way too much about losing you both. My mind likes to taunt me with the idea of you guys leaving me alone and vulnerable in the world. It will happen eventually, and honestly, I'm not sure how I will react. 

I won't try to kill myself again. You never knew about that, but when I was thirteen I tried to drown myself. I couldn't do it. Maybe because I'm a coward, or maybe because I had some small, sliver of hope.

I love you both, so much. I never say it, but I hope someday I can repay you for everything you've ever done to raise me as best as you could.
Whatever is in my brain, haunting me, is not your fault.

This is not your fault. 

Love Always,

Ashley