Letters From You.

Letter 49.

Dear Ashley 

Is it wrong that I hate you so much? That I can't stand the fact that you left, that you're no longer here? I hate that the pain of your death never goes away, people say it gets better, they say time heals all, well it's almost 6 months now and trust me, it has not made it easier.  

I'm stuck between loving you and hating you, in a way, I'm extremely happy that you left because you no longer have to suffer, you went through hell and back in order to stay alive, only to die in the end. The amount of respect I have for you is not even fathomable. You were always so strong, so brave, you didn't let cancer get you down and you never gave up. You had so many near death experiences but you pounced right back. You had us all in tears so many times, but you're smile was always the brightest. 

It's weird how even though you were the sick one, you never complained, you never argued, you took what you were given and you went on with it. I suppose that's probably because you of all people would understand what real appreciation is, as you appreciated life so much because you never knew how long you'd be here for. 

Your smile always lit up a room, literally. You had the ability to make everyone smile. I swear nobody would've guessed you were sick unless you told them. You always. Had the best advice, always told us to 'keep our chins up, our tiaras are falling off'. I could come to you with anything and you wouldn't judge me. I can't do that anymore and I hate you for that. 

You always kept me playing piano, even when i didnt want to. I just loved seeing how happy uou were when i could play you a new song...I'm stuck at the song I was busy learning, the one you requested...I cant seem to play it anymore...i cant seem to continue it. Everyone says it'll be better once I finish it. But i just feel like it wont, because that means yoou truly aren't here anymore. i supposed perhaps Im waiting for you to come back and tell me to finish the song... 

You left a community behind Ash, and I hate you for that, our town was dead silent after finding out about your death, your name wasn't spoken forever and nobody dared to mention cancer...you left us in shock, it was as if we couldn't function without you, and I hate you for that! I hate that you brought a community so close together only to leave us in the end.

Your life was taken away from you way to early, but I suppose in the same light you dont have to suffer anymore, and that makes me feel better. 

I hate that I couldn't say goodbye to you properly because you were in the cuty getting chemo. You were supposed to come back all smiles and everything, but you didn't... 

I hate that you died at the age of 14 on the 14th of February 2015 

 I miss you. I love you.

From 

a broken hearted bestfriend...