Fingers

'Friends'

I've never really had a first hand experience with bad friends. Ive been in arguments, witnessed fights, and have even passed on gossip but i have never been surrounded by bad people.
Until this year.

It has taken recent events, hindsight and a hell of a lot of self awareness for me to realise this, but i finally have.

The friends that you desperately try to fit into, but dont feel quite right with, are ones you shouldnt hold too dearly.
The friends that ask you to choose between them and another one of your friends simply because they collectively dont like her, are the ones you shouldnt trust.
The friends who are so toxic that you end up with an identitiy crisis because youve altered who you are to such an extent, that you dont recognise yourself anymore, just to be seen as one of them... these 'friends' are not yours.

My main goal in life is to be happy, and this year i havent been. Granted, ive moved house, started sixth form, created new friends and had expectations that werent reached added to the stress,  but the main cause of my unhappiness has been my 'friends'.
There are 1 or 2 who i know i can trust whole heartedly, and i hold them close to me, but the rest were an illusion. They were the 'cool' crowd to be in with. They hosted all the parties, they had the car, they had the boys.. but none of that counts when deep deep down, you know its hollow. There was no depth to these people, it was all so superficial and fake... the "aww love you!"s were in return for when i did something for them. The "haha youre so weird" was actually meant as an insult. All the cakes and celebrations were excuses for more parties, more alcohol and more bad food which made them feel good with an excuse, considering they were all on diets. It wasnt ever to celebrate that birthday, or that achievement of mine or anybody else's, unless it was their own.

These people, these utterly toxic, shallow and superficial people were simply illusions of a friendship that simply kept me alive. <br>
In no way whatsoever this year... not even once, was i actually living.

And so now, after having left sixth form to begin on a different path,  i have found out that these 'friends' have spoken about me behind my back, things that you dont call people who are your friends.

"Shes so digusting!"
"She has no real talent."
"She doesnt stick up for her friends, not really."
"Shes going to drift anyway, might as well make a new chat without her in it."

These words sting, but its made me stronger.

I couldnt give a single damn what these people think of me anymore. They can have their parties and their secret chat, they can have their girly nights in and bitchy conversations. I'm not missing out.

I'm off living my life.

Who wants friends like that anyway?

I'm happy, family is good, work is good, my friends i still have are good, and my holidays are looking great too.

I AM HAPPY

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Hello!
It has really been a while, hasn't it? Unfortunately, I've been crazy busy trying to sort my life, head and body out over this past year and this post/chapter/part explains some of that.
It definitely isn't a poem, but it ran with the general theme of this little collection of stories and I thought I'd come and show my face on this website again.

So, I hope you enjoy this and hopefully I shall see you soon.

Lots of love, Jordie xx