No Words

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by bizzlesblunts

by bizzlesblunts

After the service,
people get in line
to tell the family,
"I'm sorry,"
"He was to young,"
and
"Let me know if I can do anything,"

I'm one of the
first people
in line
because
I want to get it over with.

His mom is there
and I try to say
"I'm sorry,"
like I'm supposed to,
but the words
won't come
from my brain
to my mouth
like they're supposed to.

She looks at me
and I feel her eyes
piercing my heart,
making it hurt
even more.

She probably blames me
like I blame myself.
I can't blame her
for that.

She tries to smile.
She asks politely,
with no feeling,
because she has to say
Something,

"Are you ok Ava?"

I nod,
but inside
my heart is screaming
and kicking
and stomping
throwing a tantrum
like a two-year-old
because
I am definitely
not okay.

She hugs me.
A quick hug.
A fake hug.
An I'm-only-hugging-you-because-I-don't-know-what-else-to-do hug.

Next
I hug
the people
Justin loved
most
In the whole,
wide
world.

His sister,
then his brother.

I tell myself
to be strong.

I should be strong
for them.

But I'm not

I sob
into Jaxon's
black jacket.

"Shhhhhhhhh," he whispers.
"You're going to get through this."

just like his brother,
thinking about me,
not himself.

After that,
I stand alone
and wait for my mom
so we can leave.

There is no line of people coming up to me
to say "I'm sorry"
or "He was so young"
or " Let me I know if I can do anything."

It feels like everyone
is looking at me.
What are they thinking?
Do I even want to know?

And then,
like an unexpected rain shower
on a day that's so dry
you can't breathe,
there is Cali
squeezing me tight
and Jessa
holding my hand
and Zoe
rubbing my back.

In that moment
I realize
a circle of love
is ten times better
than a procession
of sorrys.