Sometimes I feel like Paul. Not Paul from down on Quincy, but Paul from the bible. I have read the bible multiple times, but it took for me to go through and endure an emotional storm to relate to the messages within the bible. This particular story reminded me of how important it was for me to stand and not turn away from the storm that I was PLACED in. Paul had to endure a storm that was not caused by him. A storm that he was confident would not harm him because GOD had already promised him that he would reach Rome and be HIS witness. So he was confident that no harm would be done. Though the storm raged and everyone around Paul were terrified, Paul stayed calm and was more focused on what GOD had promised him then what the current situation had presented itself to be. Through this storm and the people around him telling him that he was wrong and that they would die, the panic that swept through the boat passed Paul who stayed focused on what GOD told him.
This is like me and my life. It seems that throughout this memoir I am the current day Paul. Each situation that I have faced were not always caused by my own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and even behavior yet I was still left to go through the storm. However because I was covered by his grace and his mercy I bent and I even fell, but before I broke down into nothing GOD always reminded me that I too was something. Everyone around me thought that I would fail. So many people laughed at me, talked about me, threw hurdles in my way, and tried to strip me from my own faith. I have been running afraid all of my life. But this time I was ready to face the storm because I believed in my heart that GOD still had plans for me to prosper. I believed this storm would be the biggest storm ever, but I didnt know for sure if I would reach dry land and prevail over all. But from somewhere the courage and hope for something more kept me prepared for the worse. So, this one time in my life I decided to not run from the heartache. Not run from what was being done to me and endure it. I faced it. I lived it. I cried about it. I hurt about it. I did not understand it, yet I still decided to embrace what the controversy was. Many people think that it is crazy how I embraced the war.
As discussed before I had already lost my husband to another woman, living with my Mother while reassuring three young girls that we would be okay, no income but bills created within marriage, and my entire life as I thought I knew it was a lie. After begging for my husband return and willing to do anything to have him come back, I one day realized that it was healthy for me to finally face the storm that was headed toward me, the storm was moving on, and while relearning myself I began to notice that the more I took the hit, the stronger I became.
Sometimes it takes the storm to make you into the beautiful creature that GOD has created you to be. My entire life has been a struggle. A struggle that even I have sat down and tried to psycho-analyze. I have focused on my childhood, my teenage life, my family situations, and my own thought process to see what was it that I did wrong to face the failures I have faced. But this time things were different because I could see clear. Once I stopped trying to make him love me I could see that I did not love myself. I kept idolizing him and what he meant to me and my girls. I was obsessed with the failure. Obsessed with the pain and unlike my other situations I wanted to feel it. I wantrd to cry so I did not have to hide anymore. I needed to grieve this time and I no longer cared about being broken because this time I could and would be fixed.
What pulled me through the storm was having this sneaky suspicion that this storm would pass like the others but this time I knew what I needed to fully survive and heal.....All I needed was Jesus. No man..not the money yet..no friends....no books....nothing except Jesus. Pray...fast...read...pray..fast...read...dedicated servant..dedicated ministry worker..dedicate my life to giving to GOD and his creation in me. I kept telling myself, I will finally be who and what GOD wants me to be. It no longer mattered what people had to say about me. It no longer mattered if my husband left or returned. I couldn't pray for our marriage anymore. I had to pray for myself and accept that this storm though was not caused by me, it was meant for me.
