Threads of Fate

Chapter 33 ~ Promises of a Change

    Despite having been the first to return to bed, Tissaia still couldn't sleep. Her unfinished conversation with Azael was still overshadowing Kaius's revelation which should've been her highest priority. But all she could hear was Azael's words echoing over and over again.

    "I can't be with you because I will only bring you pain and death. I would rather break your heart and lose it forever than hear it stop beating."

    Her heart tightened at the recollection. There wasn't a doubt in her mind what the words had meant. His mother. He still blamed himself for his mother's death, and he was too afraid of the same thing happening to her to take the chance of being with her.

    It explained why he was always trying to push her away. Always driving a wedge between them, then acting as though he regretted it. Maybe he couldn't admit it, but he did want to be with her. It...it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that they weren't married. She hadn't done anything wrong. Her father was wrong about her, and she was wrong about herself.

    "You are beautiful, Tissaia. By the goddesses, you're so beautiful that sometimes it hurts to look at you, to have you right there, right in front of me, and know that I can't have you. I can't touch you. Kiss your lips. Caress your hair. Give you every pleasure that I know how to, and learn each one you can dream up."

    Tissaia pursed her lips and squeezed her eyes shut, but the images were already there. She opened her eyes immediately. That would not be good to dwell on tonight. A part of her was still angry, after all. Still hurting. But...she understood something at least. And maybe if she told him that, she could persuade him to help her understand a little more. She certainly hoped so. The last thing they needed was to fight again. It clearly only brought them both pain.

    She stiffened when hay rustled and soft footsteps crossed the floor. Two of her companions were still soundly breathing, already asleep again, but this one... Azael dropped to the floor near her head and sat with his back against the hay bale. She gazed at the back of his sandy brown head, studying the pattern of waves and curls that had a few stray pieces of hay clinging to them.

    "You're fidgeting a lot," he murmured. "I assumed our conversation was still bothering you."

    "It is."

    "Are you still angry?"

    Tissaia breathed a faint sigh and his head shifted, until she could barely see the broken ridge of his nose past his shoulder. "Yes. There's been so much between us that has hurt me. I imagine you can say the same."

    "I can, but I know that it's chiefly my fault. You only lashed out at me because I treated you poorly first."

    Tissaia bit her lip, selecting her next words carefully. "It hurts when you feel safe enough with someone to tell them that you want to give them everything, and feel that they want that too, but then to still have them push you away. I...I so rarely feel safe, and you..."

    Her breath faltered, making her next words come out as less than a whisper. "You have felt safe to me in every regard but my heart, and I've never been able to remove it from your grasp."

    Azael twisted to meet her gaze, his own shining with firelight and emotion. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

    "I think I understand a little more now, at least. You still blame yourself for what happened to your mother, and you don't want that to happen to me." His throat bobbed as he looked away once more. "None of that was your fault. She left because your father never treated her as she deserved, not because of you, and her death was an accident."