Hotchniss - Bonds, Deals and Running

Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The rain pattered softly against the windows of the bar, casting streaks of light across the wooden table where Emily sat, nursing a whiskey she barely sipped. The place was quiet, only a few scattered patrons around her, and the low hum of conversation gave her just enough background noise to avoid being swallowed by her own thoughts entirely. But the drink sat heavy in her hand, untouched, her mind spinning in relentless circles.

She'd come here on impulse, desperate for somewhere to think, somewhere where the walls of Aaron's home wouldn't close in on her.

She'd thought this phase of her life, this endless questioning, the gnawing self-doubt, was behind her. But being with Aaron had brought it all rushing back in ways she hadn't expected.

It wasn't him; it was her.

He was everything she hadn't realized she needed. Being with him felt natural, and yet, that was the part that scared her the most. It felt too good. Too safe. Too real. And Emily Prentiss wasn't used to real.

Her mind drifted back, unbidden, to Ian Doyle. She hated that his ghost still lingered, clawing its way into her happiest moments. Doyle had shattered her ability to trust her instincts, to believe in her own ability to love or be loved. She'd spent so long pretending to love him, convincing him, convincing herself, convincing everyone around her, that the lines between reality and pretense had blurred.

What had started as just another undercover mission quickly became something else entirely. At first, it was easy to keep up the facade. She was playing a part, doing what needed to be done to bring down a criminal. But Doyle had a way of getting into her head, of making her doubt the line between truth and fiction. She'd loathed him, everything he stood for. She'd wanted to make him pay for everything he had done, put him in jail, with every bone in her body. She'd pretended to love him, but over time she became unsure whether she was pretending at all. The lines between agent Emily Prentiss, her own self—Emily, and Lauren Reynolds would blur to the point where she wasn't sure if she would ever find her way back. She'd find herself laughing at his jokes, lingering into his touch.

And she hated those moments, moments which felt too real, messing with her mind, making her disgusted with herself. She hated that he'd been one of the longest"relationships" she'd had in years, if it's even possible to call it that. And she hated that it had left her so broken.

Even after Doyle, there had been other men, other attempts at connection, but each time, she'd sabotaged herself. Doyle was like a shadow she couldn't shake, one that followed her into every connection she tried to make after. Every time she tried to let someone in, she felt like she was failing. The relationships felt hollow amd heavy. She would force herself to feel something. She felt like she couldn't give them enough of herself. She was either too guarded or too distant, or she'd retreat the moment it began to feel real. Somewhere deep down, she believed she couldn't do it.

And now there was Aaron.

He was everything Doyle wasn't—honest, steady, kind. She didn't have to pretend with him. He understood how she felt without words. For the first time, she felt like she could let her guard down, but that scared the shit out of her. What if she let him in and it all fell apart? What if he saw the broken pieces she tried so hard to hide and realized she wasn't worth the effort?

Emily leaned forward, her elbows resting on the table in front of her as she buried her face in her hands. She hated feeling like this. Weak. Doubtful. Vulnerable.

But that was the truth of it, wasn't it? Aaron made her feel vulnerable. He made her feel safe, and she didn't know what to do with that.

What if, after everything, she still didn't know how to let herself be loved?

After what felt like hours of sitting in the stinky bar, lost in her thoughts, she left her half-full glass of whiskey, payed, left the tip, stood up and walked outside. She felt the cold air on her cheeks and raindrops falling on her hair, wetting it, she slid her hands into the pockets of her coat.

She didn't know where she was going, not really, until she found herself standing on JJ's porch. The house was dark except for the faint glow of a lamp in the living room. The outdoor light hanging over her head light up. She hesitated for a moment, her hand hovering over the doorbell.

Before she could press it, the door opened, and JJ stood there, her expression shifting from surprise to concern in an instant.

JJ noticed the light outside and opened the door to find Emily standing there, soaked from the rain. Emily didn't say anything at first; she just stood there, her eyes wide and vulnerable in a way that JJ rarely saw.

"Emily?" JJ asked, stepping aside to let her in. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

Emily shook her head, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know."

Emily walked inside, standing awkwardly in the living room. JJ watched her carefully, waiting for her to speak, but Emily seemed lost in her own thoughts.

JJ led her to the couch and sat beside her, waiting patiently as Emily searched for the right words.

Finally, Emily sighed and ran a hand through her damp hair. "I'm scared, JJ," she said quietly.

JJ tilted her head, encouraging her to go on.

Emily took a shaky breath. "It's Aaron. This... thing we have. It feels... right, and it's good. It's so good. But that's what terrifies me," Emily began. "It's so different from anything I've ever had before. And I... I don't know if I'm built for it."

JJ reached out, placing a reassuring hand on Emily's arm. "What do you mean?"

Emily swallowed hard. "I don't think I even know how to be in a real relationship anymore. With Doyle I had to fake everything, every smile, every touch, every word. And sometimes it felt so real that it messed me up. I don't know if I can trust myself anymore. Then there were flings but never something that felt... like that, like with Aaron... With him it feels real in a way that terrifies me."

JJ's expression softened. "You're stronger than you think. And you've been through hell, but you're still here. That's the kind of person you are."

Emily looked down, her lips pressed together tightly. "It's not just about me, though. Aaron deserves someone who isn't... broken. Someone who isn't constantly second-guessing everything."

JJ gave her a small smile. "Emily, you're not broken. And even if you were, Aaron loves you for who you are, not for some perfect version of you. You've been there for him in ways no one else has. You've shown him what it means to have someone by his side. He's not looking for perfect. He's looking for you."

Emily blinked, tears welling in her eyes, but she nodded slowly. JJ's words sank in.

Emily closed her eyes, trying to let herself believe it.

She looked up at JJ, her eyes glassy. "Just, you know... What if I ruin it?"

JJ smiled gently. "What if you don't? What if this is everything you deserve?"

Emily let out a shaky breath, the knot in her chest loosening ever so slightly. "I just don't know how to let myself believe that."

JJ squeezed her arm. "You don't have to figure it all out right now. Take it one step at a time. And remember, you're not alone in this. You have Aaron, and you have all of us. We've got you, Emily. After all that's happened, i think... there's no way you two would not make it work."

For the first time in what felt like hours, Emily managed a small smile. "Thanks, JJ."

JJ pulled her into a hug, and Emily let herself feel the warmth of someone who truly cared.