paranoia || (troyler AU)

chapter 4

Tyler's POV

I waited patiently for Troye to get out of class, because I want to thank him - for being accepting, and kind. He's the only one that has been genuine about saying kind things to me, and honestly, I needed to hear them. It was no doubt I felt something for the boy, where it was just a smile, it made my heart pound wildly in my chest, whether we only talked for 5 minutes, it felt like a lifetime. He was so captivating, and there was a lot more to him then he bothered to let on. I had trouble not asking, I got the vibe he had pretty tall walls built up for himself, and it upset me, probably more than it should. He wanted to get an inside look of his head, to see what he was hiding, but he never expect Troye to just open up to him. I wasn't worth that.

When I looked up, Troye was talking to a blonde girl. What was her name? Oh, Jenna Mourey - the rich, but kind, popular, but a great friend. She was looking at Troye with the kind of eyes that were reserved for lovers. I really couldn't blame her for looking at him like that, he was everything and more, with his naturally red lips, large fearful blue eyes, chiseled jawline, chocolatey brown hair that was made into the perfect- shut up Tyler, pay attention.

He glanced back up at the scene, watching Jenna lean up and kiss him on the cheek, and Troye blushing like mad.

Oh god, oh god, he's fucking straight.

Jenna skipped off in the opposite direction, leaving Troye standing there with a dumbfounded look on his face. I felt the tears forming in my eyes, ready to spill over, but I had to wait. I'd wait until later this evening. Troye began walking down the steps, until he looked up, making eye contact with me. He started making his way to me, but I didn't trust my voice, and was hurt though I had no right to be. So I gave him a weird look, and threw myself into my car, immediately starting the engine and speeding off, leaving Troye looking hopeless across the parking lot. I'd love to turn around and kiss the look off his-

Shut. Up. Tyler. You're not helping yourself.

I drove over the speed limit, trying to escape the thoughts I was having right now, I'd wait until I was hidden. When I pulled into the driveway, I saw my mother's car was gone, she was still at work, and I've never been more grateful, letting a sigh of relief escape my lips. I sauntered into the house, stomping into my bedroom and collapsing onto the bed.

Troye is straight. Troye doesn't like you. Troye is worth more stars in the universe, you're not even worth one. Get over yourself, your dad was right, you are useless.

I begun to shake violently, sobbing until I didn't feel much but a dull ache. I had no right to be upset over this, I knew Troye was something else entirely, and I don't even come in comparison. He was angelic, I was shit. Simple logic. I forced myself to do homework for three hours, out of ideas to keep myself busy and away from depressing thoughts. But as soon as I got under the covers, I couldn't stop thinking about the boy with wide blue eyes, natural red lips, and a chocolate brown quiff that was a gift from the gods. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was a puzzle finding it's missing piece when I first laid eyes on Troye.

*

I groaned when I heard my alarm go off the next morning, moaning to myself about not wanting to get up. Honestly, what am I even supposed to do? His girlfriend is Jenna, she's a sweetheart, but what if she hurts him? I need to get a grip on myself, I've talked to him, what, twice? I forced myself up eventually, dreading the day in front of me, though I'd had only ten seconds in the conscious world.

When I stepped out of the shower, I took a glance in the mirror at my naked body, and felt everything inside me collapse. I wanted to change my appearance, everything about it, and everything about myself.

*Flashback*

"Tyler, baby I'm so so sorry. You should've never seen that, please forgive me," my mom spoke from the hospital bed. I couldn't force any words out of my mouth, but I knew for a fact this wasn't her fault, so I just nodded and didn't speak. I stayed in that hospital chair for hours, until they let her go. I was beginning to grow accustomed to the smell, relieved when I stepped outside and smelled natural, not chemicals.

Mom began to worry when I didn't talk the rest of the night, but I didn't think much of it. I had nothing to say, and even if I did, would it matter, at all?

I listened to her sobs every late evening, I could practically hear her heart being ripped from her chest, and it hurt mine. I didn't want my dad in my life if he made my mom feel this way. I laid in bed with her every night, just letting her cry. I, on the other hand, didn't speak since the night everything went downhill for us. I couldn't form words, and when my mom asked, I wrote it down on paper. 

"Honey... Are you okay? For the most part I mean, I know you're still young and this is traumatic, but speak when you're ready, I love you and am here for you," she spoke on a late Sunday evening. I just nodded along, and forced my attention on the tv screen. I'd have to go back to school tomorrow.

When I did, I didn't speak, just wrote notes to my teachers that something happened and I didn't feel like talking. They all understood, as much as someone can understand, yet, the other kids didn't. They said cruel things, and told me to 'just speak up', but I didn't. If I did, I'd be away for a long time at the things I'd respond to their rude remarks with. So I sat contently, kept to myself, and kept my mouth shut.

*End of Flashback*

Fuck, this was happening again, wasn't it? I let it happen, I dressed and headed out for school, not saying a single word. I wrote a note for each of my teachers, and they again, understood, even offering to teach me during lunch and after school, if I had trouble learning. Troye had come up to me when he'd seen I was eating alone behind the school. I hung my head in shame, not wanting to speak, but wanting to all the same.

"Hey Tyler," he said, in a small voice, sitting beside me. I turned and locked eyes with him. There was something he wasn't showing, but it was there, right under the lack of emotion in his eyes. I just smiled and nodded, which perplexed him. I guess his first impression of me was that I'm talkative.

Maybe too talkative.

He furrowed his eyes brows, and I pulled out my phone typing a quick message. He blamed himself, I could see it, he had to know it's not his fault.

"I won't be speaking for a while, I do this when I feel it's right"

After reading it, he went to my contacts, and entered his number. When he gave it back, I looked at him questioningly, staying with him even though the bell just rang.

"For the future, you can text me if you don't feel like talking, or call me, I'll listen to your silence," he said. Before I could answer, he speed walked back to campus, leaving me rendered speechless, and unsure of what to make of the situation.

Should I trust him?

I don't think people really read my stories, but if you're reading this one, thank you so much. I've wanted to write stories like this for the longest time, and am happy to share.

I'd like to get feedback? Maybe? I just want to know if this is readable.

Again, thank you xx