paranoia || (troyler AU)

chapter 5

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of suicide. I don't plan on ever sharing my emotions through wattpad, but I've been such a mess recently, so this'll be messy. I had a friend who was like a brother commit suicide recently, so I'm sorry in advance about this, it's not too bad but still. Enjoy xx

Troye's POV

When Tyler had offed himself, I begun to think this was my fault. He had seen me last with that expression on his face, and the next day he's not talking.

So I was surprised to see the incoming call at three am.

I picked it up without hesitation, just knowing it was Tyler already.

"Hi," I whispered. The line was silent, as I expected, but I could've sworn I heard sniffling. It was silent for about 10 minutes, and I sat their just listening, listening to him cry. I didn't want to interrupt, but he did.

"I want to die Troye," he whispered. And with that, the line went dead. I immediately tried to call back, redialing over and over and getting nothing. I had begun to panic, I didn't know where he lived, what his parents numbers were, how to get them.

Is he okay? What's wrong with him? I barely know him but I care for him, I feel for him. 

It's my fault, it's all my fault, I could just tell. He saw me with the girl and has been weird ever since....

Was he...

Jealous?

I snorted out loud at the thought. Jealous, Troye? The most narcissistic answer you could think of?

Stupid... Selfish, you are. You should be the one killing yourself.

What a fucked up thing to say at the time. I groaned in frustration, repetitively smacking myself until black spots were clouding my vision. What's he doing? Why's Tyler doing this? He's so lovely, pure, gorgeous...

Wait, what?

Shaking my head rapidly, I feel sobs rack my body, but everything was too loud - the echoes, the unanswered questions, but most importantly, the silence was deafening. I panicked and paced until I got lightheaded and dizzy, before I knew it I was face down on my bedroom floor, running short of breath.

*

I awoke to the blinding sun and ear drum breaking alarm. When I made my first move, everything ached and everything was blurry and my head, eyes, and back ached. I reached for my glasses, seeing that I was on the floor.

What the hell?

The last thing I remember was...

Oh.

Oh shit.

Tyler's phonecall.

I ignored the pain and ran to my phone, turning off the stupid alarm and calling Tyler. The phone rang quite a few times - I knew it was on, which was a start. Thank god. I had a few minutes until school so I got ready a minute before leaving. He didn't answer but he still had to be alive.

"Honey you forgot your breakfast!" My mom shouted from the kitchen; since I was in a rush, and making sure Tyler was okay was my main priority, I decided not to eat and rush out the door, calling a goodbye over my shoulder. I threw myself into my jeep, and was anxiously paranoid the whole way to school, constantly questioning if Tyler would be okay, or even here. I parked, and made it just in time to first period, language arts.

Thankfully I had this class first period, Tyler was in it, and right now, his life was all that mattered.

When I stumbled through the door, I sat down right when the bell rang, and wordlessly walked my assigned seat, constantly checking if Tyler was here.

He was.

I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulder, and I exhaled a breathe I didn't even know I was holding. He was across the room, and he looked completely and utterly exhausted. His hair was a mess, he had bags under his eyes because of lack of sleep, a dead look in his eyes, and an unamused expression that seemed to be attached to his face, looking straight ahead.

I whipped my phone out of my pocket, immediately going to his contact and typing out a message.

To: Tyler Oakley

From: Troye Sivan

Hey Tyler, are you okay?

I could hear the vibration from across the room, and I glanced to see if it was Tyler. He had pulled out his phone, checked the message, reading it for a large amount of time. I couldn't tell if he was spacing out or just carefully checking the words. I wasn't sure. By then I had turned my full body to see him staring at me with a guilt ridden expression.

I guess he had seen the concern on my face, or was it the twenty missed calls?

I had just noticed the lost in his eyes had glazed over with something I couldn't quite put a name on. I did something I hadn't done in a while - smiled with my teeth. I hated it very much, it always made me feel insecure, but Tyler's eyes lit up and he smiled back, genuinely, it was worth it. He turned his gaze away from me, but I couldn't.

I had begun to notice small, but beautiful things about him. The way he managed to be sexy and adorable all at once, the way you could read his eyes, the way you can make his day through a smile, and he can do the same to others, the almost pale skin and blue hair that seemed to contrast his blue eyes, how even when he looked worn, he looked gorgeous, and when he looked at things, he was so attentive, focused on everything his eyes landed on.

I was officially falling for him.

*

Mrs. Lowery gave us a writing assignment, which I was focused on, until I heard the filthy word I had heard many times before.

"Faggot," I heard a boy whisper. I snapped my head in the direction of the voice, already infuriated. I knew it wasn't directed at me, but I did know who it was directed at.

Tyler.

Tyler looked empty, not angry, nor sad, just emotionless and done with everything. He did mention the whole school knows he's gay, with the way he said it, I assumed they're homophobic and bully him for it. The boy kept taunting him, whispering things in his ear, and you'd have to be blind if you missed the dull look in Tyler's eyes. He wasn't present right now, his thoughts took him somewhere else. Though I could see his fingernails visibly digging into his palms.

I can't have him in here.

I stood up from my seat, grabbed my backpack, and made my way across the classroom, stopping at Tyler's desk.

"Ignore them, are you okay?" I asked. He just nodded and gave me a strained smile, not meeting my eyes. The lie was insanely obvious. I grabbed his hand and told him to bring his things; surprisingly, he obeyed. Mrs. Lowery didn't even call us back or say anything, I'm sure she could tell why I was doing this.

I kept his hand in mine, and we went to the library, avoiding rain. When we walked in, the librarian just smiled and went back to reading, I was too determined to question it. We moved to the very end of the library, and I sat down on the couch, pulling him with me.

"Now, are you okay?" I ask. He finally meets my eyes and shakes his head, looking regretful.

"I don't know what it is, but please, if there is anything I can do to help you, I am here, I don't quite know why I'm attached to you because I'm not attached to anyone, but I care about you," I rushed out. I spent all last night and this morning wanting to say those things to him, and I did, with no problem at all. Speaking my mind, made me anxious, paranoid, but with Tyler, I didn't feel forced. I wanted to. Tyler looked like he was going to cry, giving me those eyes of bewilderment and disbelief, as if shocked to hear I cared about him. I didn't know how to feel about his reaction.

He threw himself into my arms, practically in my lap. His brain caught up with his body and he started to back away, but I decided I needed his embrace so I just pulled him back into my chest.

"I'm glad you're alive Tyler."