The Letters I Never Sent | Phan

Prologue

If somebody asked me to describe how I feel in this confusing and decisive time of my life, I would answer it as: numb.

There isn't much to do, really. I wander through what people expect me to do and whatever needs more effort than usual I simply avoid it. I hate unnecessary nuisances in my life.

Perhaps that was why everyone in school feared me, I was different, more reckless and challenging. They opened a path for me to walk through in the hallways and held their breaths as I passed by, like I was a king.

Like I was a monster.

The popular guys usually approached me, tried to convince me to join them but I refused any invitation they offered. I preferred to be alone, on my own suffocating loneliness, than to interact with arrogant, mindless people. It was nice to hang out with them from time to time but human interaction was a burden for me. They respect me, that was all I needed from them.

I didn't see any value in my own life. I believed that as long as I kept my reputation, I only had to walk forward to the next step in life.

If only I had know how wrong I was.

*

'Oh. My. God. You have no idea what happened today, during Maths' a girl with long brown hair whispered to her friend, while she took her books out of her locker.

'What happened? Was it Jessica again?' she sighed.

'Yes, she was acting like a b— oh wait, look, it's Howell.' a very tall boy, with straight brown hair, who seemed to petrify the entire hallway just by walking through it, glanced at them, before ignoring what they were saying and nodding to the people that called his name.

'Ah, isn't he beautiful?'

'Are you kidding me? He's the biggest jerk on this school. Didn't you hear the rumors? They told me that he fucked Jessica at a party - and you know I hate that bitch - and then hooked up with another girl, saying she only used her to win a bet. Seriously, someone should put him on his place.' she closed her locker forcefully, before sighing again.

'Are you serious? I don't believe you. Anyway, he's always alone. He doesn't seem to be someone who goes to parties.'

'He's a fuckboy, forget him.'

All made-up rumors spreading around. The usual.

Dan Howell wasn't the common 16 year old you would see in common schools. He didn't consider himself to be nerdy, nor a popular guy (although some people labeled him as such). He wasn't sporty, not really intelligent, even though he had good marks. He was a nothing, to be honest. A ghost.

In that school, it was all about surviving. Everybody got beaten up at least once since they started attending classes in there, either for being in the wrong place at the wrong time or because the popular gangs didn't like your face. There needn't to be a reason.

He opened his locker, picking up his books for his next class, hearing the whispers and stares burning his back. Well, that was something he found annoying. Couldn't they simply leave his life alone for once? Stop with the pointless rumors who everybody knew were fake? At least he thought they knew.

He shut the door to his locker, gritting his teeth before seeing a familiar mop of sandy hair stopping right next to him.

'Hey, Chris.' his voice came out slightly too cold for his liking. The fact that he was going to have Maths next definitely wasn't helping with soothing his mood.

'Oh, hey. Just wondering if there is anything new you're interested in knowing?' Dan didn't have any friends - he didn't really feel the need to affiliate with anybody. But if there was someone who was a proper acquaintance to him, that was Chris. He preferred referring to him as a source of information and comfort but wouldn't deny that his presence was somehow pleasant.