Dolly (Part three-Max Mitchell series)

TWENTY EIGHT

The floor fell out from under me, and black nothingness swallowed me whole. Just like being shot in the stomach, pain ripped me apart from the inside out. This pain was different though, my Doctor wasn't going to be able to put me back together. She wasn't going to be able to restore life to my little jelly bean. I felt a sudden wave of loneliness, and dissolved into a puddle of tears.

"I'm so sorry. I'll give you a minute." Doctor Ambur said, and slipped out of the room.

I looked at Tom, my eyes blurry with tears and saw that he was crying as well. He'd been overjoyed when I told him I was pregnant, and now he was coming  apart too. He cupped both sides of my face with his hands and looked deep into my eyes, his own were watery with tears.
"I'm sad, Dolly. I'm really sad. I don't know what else to say. I'm just..." He started sobbing and it made my heart break to see him that way. Without any more words, we just held eachother and cried. We cried in each other's arms until the Doctor came back into the room.

"Pardon me. I'm sorry to interrupt. If it's alright, I'd like to go over your options." She said, as she handed me a box of tissues.
We both nodded, and she continued.
"Your body is equipped to flush itself. What's in your womb will automatically clear out. The problem is, it's a matter of not knowing when. If you want to, you can wait and pass everything on your own. The other option is a Dilation and Curettage, or D&C. Are you familiar with the term?"
I shook my head.
"What happens is we go in dilate you so that we can clear out of the contents of your womb. It takes away the agony and pain of waiting for your body to eliminate the pregnancy on its own."
"We're getting married in just under two weeks." I whimpered. Tom squeezed my hand, as I began shaking again.
"Then I would certainly recommend a D&C."
"When?"
"As soon as possible. It's a same day procedure, not requiring a hospital stay. I'll just need to see you again a week from now."
"Let's just get on with it. I can't go on carrying this poor baby. I need closure."
"I understand. I will put in for a spot at the hospital and meet you there in a couple of hours. The hospital will call you shortly to give you an exact time and place."

We left the clinic and as soon as we got into the waiting car, I lost it again. I couldn't control the tears, or sounds coming from me. It was as if every pent up emotion I'd ever had was coming out at one time. I felt angry, and I felt sad, but mostly I felt completely helpless. There was nothing Tom, or I could have done to save that baby. The thought of that itself, was making me fall apart.

"It's not fair, Tom." I sobbed into my hands.
"No, it's not. I'm sorry this is happening to you, love."
"To me? It's not just me Sugar. It's happening to you too."
He nodded and closed his eyes, tears streaking his face. I leaned on him, resting my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. The car eventually came to a stop outside of our home, and I struggled to even move my body to go inside. I knew Wendy would be in there, wondering and asking why we were so upset. I didn't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone but Tom until it was all over.

"Take us to the hospital." I said, to the driver.
"Don't you want to go inside? Rest awhile?" Tom looked at me, wide eyed and puzzled.
"No, Tom. I feel like I've got a ticking time bomb inside of me and the last thing I want to do is explain it all to Wendy, or anyone else for that matter." I spit my words at him, and immediately felt awful for being such a bitch.
"I understand. We'll go wait at the hospital, then."

The darling man, even when I was mean to him, he understood and let me be. I scolded myself internally, and one softened look from him told me it was going to be ok. When I said I'd marry him, it would always be for better or for worse, I just didn't expect the "worse" to happen so soon.

***

"Miss Mitchell, we are going back to a treatment room now, would you like your spouse to accompany you?"
The word "spouse" tugged at my heart a bit, and I could tell it had the same effect on Tom, so I didn't correct the nurse. I just nodded and took his hand as we followed her down the hallway.
"I've left a gown and a pair of scrubs here for the both of you to change into. An anesthesiologist will be in momentarily to administer your epidural."

I'd opted to have a spinal block, rather than being completely put under, simply for the sake of needing to be aware of what was happening to me. I needed to be able to close that part of my book, mentally, so that I could move on. Having Tom there with me, made it easier and I hoped it would give him understanding and closure as well.

"I love you, Dolly. So much. I hate that this is happening to you, to us. I'm here for you, ok?" He smoothed my hair with his fingers and kissed my forehead as the anesthesiologist entered the room. Tom held onto me as I leaned forward to have my spinal block put in place. Momentarily an icy numbness spread through the lower half of my body, and I wished I could have numbed my emotions the same way. I was tired of feeling, feeling sad, feeling angry and feeling lost. I wanted it to all go away.

The sterile, fluorescence of the operating room was cold and eerily quiet. It was just Tom and I on one side of the blue paper curtain, and on the other, the promise of a new life was quite literally being taken from me. I hadn't stopped crying since Doctor Ambur told us of the baby's lack of heartbeat and there were no signs I'd be stopping soon. The mild sedative made me feel a little fuzzy, but not enough to take away the hurt in my heart. I rolled my head to the side, and Tom put his face near mine, then kissed the tip of my nose, improving my mood just slightly.
"Tell me a story."
"I'd love to." He whispered. His face just inches from my own.

"You are part of my existence, part of my-self. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since -- on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets. You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made, are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, pad of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!'