i promise you ♾️ - harry lewis

nine

harry
after the show, everyone came back to mine and we decided to have a movie night. the huge smile on lottie's face didn't move once. seeing her smile was all i wanted, this was her day and i was so proud of her. she worked non-stop to make sure that these kids feel loved and have a place to call home if they need it and it made me feel lucky to call her my girlfriend.

lottie
we were half way through watching divergent, all of us round at harry's after the show, when my phone rang. it was an unknown number but maybe it was someone trying to enroll their child in the school. bit late, but i decided to answer anyway. i swiped answer and went into harry's bedroom so i didn't disturb the others.

unknown
lottie

hello, is this miss charlotte blue?
yes, this is she, how may i help?
umm, there's no easy way to say this but your mother, leanne williams passed away earlier today
oh.
um, how did she die?
she passed from a drug overdose.
i'm not exactly very surprised. what do you need me to do?
nothing at the moment other than contact friends and family. this is very tough news and it can be a lot to take in.
well thank you for letting me know, have a nice evening.

i didn't know what to say. i didn't know how to feel. my mum had never been my favourite person in the world, in fact for the majority of my life she has been my least favourite. i always knew that one day the drink would kill her, but i didn't know she'd converted to drugs. it didn't feel like my business anymore. i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel angry, i didn't know how to feel.

i heard a knock on the door, "come in" i said, and the door swung open, it was faith. the exact person i needed to see, "who was that babe?" she asked, entering the room. "umm it was the hospital, leanne is dead" i say, "oh shit. how do you feel?" she replied, faith knew everything that had happened with my mum, some of the stuff not even my dad knows, so she was the perfect person to be with me in this moment. "i don't really know how to feel, i hate to say it but i feel kind of relieved but other than that i don't think i have any feelings toward it" i finished. faith walked over to me and pulled me into a hug. "you're allowed to not know how to feel. that woman hurt you and controlled you for so many years. you're allowed to be relived and maybe even deep down, slightly happy. she can't get you anymore lots." she said and squeezed me tight.

"look i'm gonna give you some space, you call your dad, speak to him" she said, kissing the top of my head and walking toward the door. "can you get harry please?" i asked her, "of course i can" she said, a gentle smile appearing on her face. not even two seconds later harry entered the room, noticed me sat on the floor with the smile no longer apparent on my face and immediately walked over to me, sitting down on the floor next to me. i rested my head on his shoulder immediately whilst he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. we sat there in silence for two minutes before i spoke.

"my mum died." i said, "oh my goodness lottie, i'm so beyond sorry" he said, "don't be. it sounds heartless but i don't think i really care that much. i told you i'm not in contact with my mum anymore but i never told you why." i said, "and you don't have to. you can, of course you can, but you don't have to." he interrupted, it made me happy how considerate harry was. "i know i don't have to but i need to. my family on my mums side has always been very fond of alcohol. let's put it that way. then when my mum and dad got divorced, she got into a rebound relationship very very quickly. i liked her boyfriend, even called him dad, until things started to get messy and she prioritised him and drinking over me. i dealt with it for a good few years, the abuse, the hurtful words, the constant controlling. but when i became twenty i got the fuck out of there and never looked back. she ruined herself. and she didn't give a shit about me. deep down i will always love her, she's my mum but i would be lying if i said i wasn't a little bit relived." i finally finished.

"i'm here lots, you know that. i'm yours now, and i will always be here. i think your reaction is perfectly valid but if it changes then that's okay. none of us know how to deal with this and grief is a horrible thing." he said and i pulled him into a kiss. "i love you." i said. i didn't mean to. was it too soon? what if he doesn't say it back? oh shi- "i love you too. so bloody much" he said and pulled me into another kiss. i hugged him tight, then pulled away. "i need to call my dad. stay with me?" i asked. he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. "always." he said, pulling our hands up to his mouth and placing a kiss on mine.