The Frozen Melody

20.Entries.

1st year. Winter. Day 51.

Dear Diary.

I passed out three days ago from hunger again. This time I didn't wake up for a whole day so I heard they had to rush me to the hospital for emergency care.

Next thing I know, I woke up in the guest room with an IV stuffed in my arm. Guess they brought me back after the doctors cleared me so I wouldn't freak out. But still, just having the IV needle in me was pretty bad.

Almost had a panic attack. Took awhile to calm myself down.

Good thing they were all sleeping.

I'm such a failure aren't I?

The vows I made to help Hibie's family…

Fuck, I need to pull myself together!

Hibie's been bugging me to go out and play with her friends again. Apparently they all wanna meet me again now that I got my voice back.

I should go with her tomorrow.

I should just deal with my mental shit like a man and quit being such a pathetic wimp.

I should just accept the fact that I'll be reliving my worst nightmare every night.

I dunno. You think maybe I still have the strength to go on?

Seriously, sometimes I just wanna curl up and die so I don't have to deal with more crap. Or, since I can't really die, even going into a permanent coma sounds pretty nice...

Geez this is depressing.

I'm gonna go take a walk in the woods.

Talk to you later.

~~~

1st year. Winter. Day 52.

Dear Diary.

So I forced myself to ask Hibie out to play before she could mention the idea to me.

She was SO happy and excited. Amazing how such a little action from me could give her such joy. I won't refuse her again.

I didn't have energy to actually play much, but she seemed happy enough just to have me sit on the side and watch them going up and down the play structure like little monkeys.

I'm not used to little kids.

The girls were pretty excited to see me again. And like before, showered me with questions that mostly just went in one of my ears and came out the other.

I'm really really sorry.

But I think my brain is extra slow these days cuz I haven't been getting enough calories to sustain it or something. Or maybe not enough sleep.

Oh, that lynx came today too, alone though. Well, he said that he was just passing by to get some milk and saw me.

We talked for a bit, he's actually a pretty decent guy.

Well okay, most guys are decent people when you compared them to those shitheads from Hell.

But anyway, that's not the point.

The thing is, he started sniffing me again and asked me why I was so weak looking, and if maybe I wasn't eating enough meat or maybe not hunting properly. He even offered to take me hunting for food some day.

I kinda just blamed everything on the fact that I couldn't shift into wolf form anymore. I mean, I didn't wanna tell my stupid past to random people.

And then he looked at me all weird and asked what the hell I was talking about. Apparently, he could smell the beast in me or something. Or like, I still have my wolf.