The Frozen Melody

08.Diary43.

1st year. Winter. Day 43.

I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep either, but I need it.

I still can't shift either. I should try again. Maybe it'll come out if I keep trying.

But I don't want to feel the pain if I fail.

Since when have I feared pain?

I'm too weak right now.

My stomach can't hold any food I eat. What's the point in eating?

Every time I close my eyes, it felt like I was back there again. Back there waiting for the hours to go by as I laid on that table staring aimlessly up at the ceiling because there wasn't anything else I could do.

I didn't want to close my eyes since losing my sight would mean my sense of touch would sharpen, and I'd be able to feel everything they were doing to my body.

I can see it right now, those people in lab coats coming and going as they studied me and took notes of any changes. I thought being a sex toy in Hell was bad, I was wrong. This was many times worse.

They shaved all my hair at one point. Fuck. The way Sue acted when she saw the bullet wound on the back of my head. To be able to survive being shot in the head, it was just another confirmation of how "unique" I was. Bullshit. I didn't survive that shot, but there wasn't any point in correcting her.

They tried so many different drugs and fluid in my systems to see the results. What they were testing for, I'd never understand, nor do I want to.
I was naked and immobile. A useless thing that can only lay there and do nothing nothing.

I can't move

I can't do anything

I don't know how to let out my panic and frustration. Do I scream it out? I can't move

The 'bracelets' around different parts of my body give them easy access my veins. But I can feel the needles attached in my skin.

I can't get away from them

Take them out

The liquid flowing in burns

I can't stop it

I can't shake them out. And I feel them sucking the blood out of me like permanent leaches. I can't stop them from adding more needles.

I hate it

Make it stop

Crying shows weakness, but I can't stop it

It's not real it's not real, it's not real.

I'm not there anymore. I'm safe.

It's just a nightmare

There's nothing in my skin right now.

They tried to insert one of those things into my neck. My neck already has a slave brand burnt into it from Pye, and they wanted to cover it with a bracelet of needles.

I used to hate the slave brand at one point, but have grown to appreciate it over the years. It made me different from the other slaves and servants.

I freaked out when those scientists wanted to install the needles.

I struggled like a fool. As if maybe this time I can break through the restrains.

Stupid stupid stupid

I'm useless.

All they had to do was put me to sleep while they operated. I didn't even have a chance to defend myself.

Woke up with tubes attached to my neck. I couldn't see them. Blood sucking leaches living around my throat.

I broke.

I begged Sue. My voice was coarse from lack of use. I was crying, but I just didn't care. I begged her, anything to get me out of that sickening facility.

No pride, no self worth

She told me "Sorry Tyson, but you're an important asset to us." She made it sound so fuckin sweet. "Plus, your every need is being taken care of."

That fake smile of hers haunts me. If I close my eyes, I would see her face mocking me.

She giggled and did that disturbing action of tracing one of my scars, "Don't worry Tyson, you'll get used to it." She had said, with a light hearted laugh, "You will, trust me. I'll be here."

I didn't get used to it.

I can't get used to it

Her fake smile never falters when she speaks to me.

What am I worth?

If it's just my physical body that's useful, why keep my mind.

I have given up everything I could for the people I care about. I don't have anything else

But they still take

I wish they can take my mind. I don't want to feel anything.

I wish I can die

I'm sorry

I can't tell what's real

How do I stay here forever? I don't want to wake up on that table