Irreplaceable

Chapter twelve, Closure

Rikku was crying before she even set foot on the Celsius the first time since Paine's death. She was sitting on the dock in Luca, crying as she stared out into the water, waiting for the Celsius to come pick her up.

She didn't react when Gippal sat down next to her, looking just as miserable as she felt.

"I can't do it!" she told him bitterly as the tears fell from her eyes in a constant stream.

"Do what?" Gippal asked curiously. As disheveled as he was, with frumpy cloths, his eye-patch not centered, and his hair down framing his face, he still wasn't a sobbing mess like Rikku. He somehow had the hope that he could move on, and carry on with life. Well...Rikku didn't have that. She didn't have it now, and she never would.

"Let her go." She muttered the bitterness of her words not even a tenth of the misery she felt inside. "I...I don't have the hope you do. I don't feel her here with us, and I never will. I. Can't. Let. Her. Go." Her voice cracked as she spoke. Suddenly feeling nauseous she nearly doubled over into the water, but Gippal held her steady as she fought her nausea.

"You moved on when home was destroyed. A lot of people you knew died back then. You moved on when Tidus disappeared...Sure he came back, but you didn't know he was going to...so why can't you move on now?" He sighed, knowing this was a lost cause. "Memories are nice" he said. "But that's all they are."

Rikku just shook her head. "That was different." She tried to wipe her tears away only to get her hands wet. "A year ago..." she trailed off before continuing. "A little bit after Yunie joined the Gullwings...Paine told me she had no family..." She rubbed her eyes and wiped her tears away. "She didn't even have a name, Gippal! She named herself Paine...that's what she told me that day. You know what I did?"

Gippal shook his head. "I don't know."

"I told her we could be sisters...I told her that I'd always be there for her, and that she didn't have to be alone anymore. I promised her that, and since that day I've kept that promise...but now..." she broke into sobs. "I Can't Let Her go! And I never will."

Gippal just sighed and otherwise didn't respond. He'd never admit it, but Rikku knew he didn't think he'd ever carry on either. All Al Bhed were the same, they claimed to let go of their memories and live on, but on the inside they were just as broken as anyone else. The thing was, all of Spira was still broken. Sure the places have been rebuilt, and people claimed to have hope again now the Vegnagun was gone, but really the world was still broken. Rikku's world was still broken, and she knew she'd never be the same.

The Celsius showed up then, and without wishing Gippal goodbye she climbed aboard.

Surprisingly, being on the Celsius seemed to make her feel a little better. She almost felt like Paine would round the corner and tell her she'd been here on the Celsius all along, but of course that was never going to happen.

"Rikku!" Shinra called out as he ran towards her. She knelt down and embraced him as gently as she could. He used to look up to Paine more than any of the Gullwings, and she never snapped at him like she did everyone else; she always was good with children. The realization crossed her then that Paine would have made an excellent mother. "Well...not now." She muttered to herself as tears filled her eyes.

After letting go of Shinra, she took a deep breath and made her to way to the cabin. She hadn't been in it since the day Paine went missing, and it killed her to try and enter it now. When she entered the cabin she suddenly felt Paine's overwhelming presence. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, she could have sworn she was seeing her memories, as though there were pyreflies reacting to them.