~ Fading out of Reality~

Chapter 1

I woke up to pitch black. The rain drops pelted the roof in a rhythmic way that I found quite calming in the early hours of the morning.A quick glance at the timer revealed that it was 3:28 am. "Damn" I mumbled under my breath. I already knew I wasn't getting back to sleep, so I threw the duvet off the bed and headed into my bathroom. The cold tile floor reminded me of the cold chill that was constantly present in my body. A lot had happened in the last week. I came out as bi to my friends, although I knew completely well that I was gay. I would have came out as gay, but I had dated one of my best friends, and I didn't want her friends to think she "turned me gay" don't get me wrong; woman are nice and great to have as friends, but I had negative sexual attraction to them. But this was just about the least of my worries. What happened was the next week at school one of my better acquaintances came out as gay. His name was Scott and I had the largest crush on him since the beginning of freshman year. He had these perfect blue eyes that sparkled like the the water when the sun reflected off its surface on a cool summer day. His dirty blonde hair always perfectly gelled. What can I say? He is perfect in every way. And today would be the day I asked him out.

After I showered and did my hair and I chose my outfit. I had chose a grey cardigan with these little fake black buttons running up the center of it. A pair of dark navy colored jeans and my basic high top Converse. I dressed in my newly chosen outfit and checked the content of my backpack. I had my laptop and the same papers from yesterday. I always found homework to be irrelevant so I never did it. I guess my teachers gave up on me because they didn't even ask if I had my homework when collecting it from the rest of the class. I grabbed out a stack of lined paper and grabbed my favorite pink pencil. I sat on the edge of the bed as decided that I would draft Scott a letter of my love for the sole purpose that I was intimidated by talking to him. Only him. I have never had stage fright or fears of speaking to people. Scott was the Only exception to this. Whenever we talked my hands get clammy and I stuttered, a lot. It was embarrassing, but he never seemed to care, and for that I was grateful. My fingers thumbed at the paper as I tapped my pencil on the sheets. I had so much to say and at the same time nothing. "Is love really this hard?" was the question I kept asking aloud hoping that,by some mystical powers, a voice would come forward and give me the answers. "Nathan!" a voice yelled. This voice surely wasn't mystical and that wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, but the voice didn't care because it came from no-one but my mother. I didn't respond. The voice spoke again. "I'm going to work. I'll be back late tonight. There's pizza in the oven if you get hungry, and hurry up because your bus will be here any minute. That last sentence alarmed me. I had been sitting here for the last got in a half trying to decide what I wanted to write. I quickly shoved the papers into my book bag and ran down the stairs. I hugged my mother goodbye and she handed me a black striped umbrella and I was out the house. The bus stop was at the top of the street, so i started hauling ass. After almost telling twice I had made it to the bus stop with time to spare. I glanced up into the sky. The clouds were a deep grey, amidst black color. No Sun could be seen. The clouds looked as if they could stretch to the edge of the universe. On the asphalt the rain had soaked the ground. Small puddles lay on the sidewalk. Still. The puddles were still. They had no urgency. They just kinda sit there until the sun calls for them back into the sky. It's crazy how something so insignificant looking played such a large ro- "Beep!" The bus was waiting in the middle of the street with the kids who were at my stop were in the process of climbing onto the bus. I quickly walked to the bus and ducked my head inside. One of the many drawbacks of being tall. "You were almost late there sir" the fat grey haired bus driver lay stated. She never did like me, but I didn't like her either, so I guess you could say the feeling was mutual. I ignored her accusation and walked to my seat. I Sat alone, like I typically do. This way I can spread my legs as far as I want and don't have to worry about others complaining. It's a win win for me! The bus engine revved up and we began our half hour haul to school. I took out my headphones, a stack of paper and started drafting a masterpiece. Four crumpled up sheets of paper later and I was finished. 

The letter read:

Scott,

I don't know if you noticed, but I kinda sorta maybe possibly have a small tiny crush on you. I've been trying to hide it, but I need to get this off my chest. I really wanna see this work but I don't wanna publicly "out" you.Over the past few days I've spent countless hours conflicting with myself over if I actually ever had a chance or if I just look stupid in your eyes. And yes part of me knows that this could end terribly horrible. All of me knows that i like you and none of me cares what anyone else thinks. If you really want then we can keep everything on the DL. I just can't go much longer without a solid answer. I know I can be irritating and selfish..and moody...and a lot of other things, but I want you to look past my flaws because I believe that we can have something real. If not, then that's something that I can completely understand. Please don't say yes if you know that there's nothing real.Please don't say yes if you're not 107% sure that you can handle random laughing or over dramatic scenes. Just please don't say yes if you don't want anything long term because I'm cocky, not confident. I may look tough but on the inside I'm just as fragile everything else on this retched planet. So please don't pity me if your answer is no.  I can(and will) learn to cope :).Regardless I hope that we can still stay friends. If your answer is no then just tell me and we can get on with our lives. If you wanna talk about it then lets talk about it. I know this can't be easy on you and it sure is hell isn't easy on you, but for you I'm willing to do just about anything, because I genuinely like you!                            Signed Nathan

I folded the significant piece of paper into 3 folds and tucked it safely into my notebook. I put the notebook back in my backpack and closed my eyes. Today was sure to be a hectic day.