OTHERS: Five elements

CHAPTER 3.1: LIGHTNING

10 December 2020, 07:00 AM

What does it mean to be a father? What is the feeling to be a father? Or hearing someone who loves you beyond measure call you Dad? And what defines a good father? Is it strength? Love? Spoiling kids with gifts? Or is it sacrifice? The other day, I came across a reflection on fatherhood. It said that a father is someone who sacrifices himself for his children, who burns so that his children may shine. To love a child is to give them a piece of yourself-one you can never take back. It means realizing that you are no longer the center of your own universe, that your purpose now lives in laughter, in tears, in small hands that clutch yours with unwavering trust in a world full of uncertainties.

And yet, the word "fatherhood" remains foreign to me. I have never fully grasped its meaning. To me, it is something abstract, distant-like a shadow stretching across the years, always present but never within reach. I have always known what it means to the world: protection, guidance, strength. But to me, it was nothing more than an empty chair at the dinner table, silence in the crowd at my high school graduation, an absence in every significant moment of my life. How does one become something they never had? How does one give what they have never received? For me fatherhood is not about perfection-it is about effort. Perhaps the greatest act of fatherhood is building what was never built for you, loving in a way you were never loved. Proving, not to the world, but to yourself, that the cycle of absence ends with you. And yet, I feel a sense of fear. Will I be able to be a father?

I never had a father. He was nothing but a ghost, a name on a birth certificate. He abandoned my mother the moment he found out she was pregnant. She did everything-worked two jobs, made sure I had food, clothes, and a warm place to sleep. I thank God for her sacrifice, for all she has done for me.

- "Why are you so quiet, love?" Evelyn's voice floated in from the bathroom.

- "Just thinking..." I replied.

- "About what?"

- "Something..."

I met Evelyn during college. It was at a party. The air was thick with music, heat, and the sharp scent of alcohol. I was never one for parties, but I was trying to enjoy and have good time. And then I saw her. She wore a tight white dress that clung to her figure in all the right ways, her dark curls cascading down her back. But it wasn't just her beauty that captured my attention-it was her smile. That radiant smile. I couldn't take my eyes off her. And at that moment, I knew-I didn't stand a chance. She was a goddess, and I was just a nerd with glasses. Then she caught me staring.

- "Are you planning to introduce yourself, or just admire from afar?" she teased, raising an eyebrow.

- "I was working on my approach," I chuckled, stepping closer.

- "Oh? And what was it?"

- "Something smooth. Probably a compliment about your dress. Or perhaps I'd tell you I've never seen a more beautiful smile in my life."

- "Really?"

- "Yes! You have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen!"

We spent the rest of the night talking. We danced, though I was never much of a dancer. And that night, I knew-I was in love. Seven years later, she became my wife. It was a modest summer wedding in 2019. Now, we live together in a comfortable apartment in Tallahassee, Florida. Evelyn stepped into the room, her damp curls framing her face, clad in one of my T-shirts-the one she always stole after her showers. Her bare legs peeked out from beneath the fabric, and even in the dim light, she was breathtaking.

- "You look like you're thinking too hard," she said, climbing into bed beside me.

- "Perhaps," I murmured.

- "Cover yourself up, can't you feel the morning chill? You'll catch a cold, lying there fully naked."

- "You weren't complaining last night," I teased.

She said nothing, merely blushed and laughed, trying to hide it. And then I noticed an object in her hands.

- "What's that?" I asked.

- "A surprise," she whispered, tears glistening in her eyes as she handed it to me.

It was a pregnancy test. I froze. Two pink lines. I looked at her, then back at the test. My heart pounded. My hands trembled. And then-joy. Overwhelming, all-consuming joy.

- "You're pregnant?"

- "Yes!"

Without a word, I pulled Evelyn into my arms, holding her tightly against my chest. Tears streamed down my face. I was going to be a father.

- "I love you, my love!" was all I could say.

Words failed me in that moment. I could only look into her eyes and kiss her. Deeply, slowly, pouring every unspoken word into that kiss. When I pulled away, I rested my forehead against hers, my fingers tracing the soft curves of her cheeks.

- "I promise you, Evelyn-I will be the best father!"

- "I know you will, Richard!"