SHORTS

PEACE OF MIND

Chapter 1

“I don’t like talking about my so called “problems” because it usually makes me feel like a whiney teen which I’m trying so hard not to be. I feel like I’m nothing like that, maybe it’s just wishful thinking.”

“Okay, do you want to tell me why you are here today?” Asks the overly unenthusiastic therapist.

I look at her blankly for a second. ‘I told her, I didn’t want a girl’ I thought to myself. “I’m here because I need help, Doc” I say playfully. The lady’s face doesn’t show any reaction to my comment. “Will you tell me, why?” was all she said before waiting patiently. I look at my feet and try to come up with the rights words. I know why I’m here; I just can’t get myself to say out loud why I choose to be here.

I open my mouth but hesitate and don’t say anything for a good two minutes. “I choose to be here because. I’m having an internal battle between my mind and everything else about me.” I finally bring myself to say. The lady doesn’t take another second before asking another question, as if routine for her. This bothers me because it makes me feel like just another patient which granted I am but doesn’t mean I’m okay with that. “Would you like to explain to me; what you mean by that?”

          I sit there again, struggling to find the right words. “I wouldn’t say I’m crazy but sometimes I feel like I am.” I pause again to find my words. “To my friends I’m just this all around happy go lucky girl and I can understand why they feel that way. I mean, I usually am it’s like the moment I step into school; I forget about everything but I’m not and I don’t know why but my personality is contradicting my mind set. I’ve attempted suicide but still even if you got to know me you wouldn’t have guess that.” I stop. I can’t seem to finish. I hate when this happens. Once I try to explain myself I digress so much I lose my main point and that makes me so angry. Can you see why I hate talking about this stuff?

          The therapist looks at me thoughtfully. “You look like you have more to say?” I rest my head in my hands. I feel like I’m about to cry. It really sucks when you don’t even know what’s happening to you. “This is just really hard for me” I manage to say while holding back tears. I can hear the lady shift in her seat and place her hand on my knee. “This is a safe place, you can tell me anything.” She says soothingly. It calms me down a little bit but not before my time is up and the receptionist walks in and says my mom is waiting for me. I rub any sign of emotion off of my face and walk away. “I’ll see you next Monday. 4:00?” she says to me. I stop for a second and just shrug my shoulders before walking out into the hallway, where my mom is waiting for me with a look of impatience slapped across her face but when she sees me, her face lightens and she stands up. “Ready to go?” she asks. I just nod and go towards the exit and head towards the car.

          The car ride is silent the whole time.’ I just want to sleep.’ I think to myself. “So, do you think you’ll want to see her again?” my mom asks as we walk inside our House. “Yeah” I breathe without looking at her and walk down to my room where I face plant into my bed and give in to the inviting slumber of sleep. ‘I wish I could sleep forever.’

I’m awaking by the annoying sound of my alarm clock on my phone going off. I frantically look for my phone; my half-awake mind can’t comprehend what that noise actually is. All I know is that it’s annoying and coming from my phone. Once I find my phone and shut the alarm clock off, only then do I realize that the alarm clock was to get ready for school. I groan at the thought. Don’t get me wrong, I love school; it’s just lately, with everything going on; I’ve been falling behind in some classes and the thought of seeing the disappointment in the teachers’ eyes makes me have a mental panic attack. It’s not that, that makes me not want to go to school. It’s that nagging feeling that’s been tugging at me for a while now. I’ve always never really “fit in” I’ve always sat with the ‘misfit toys’ if you want to call us that.