scars - Jack Gilinsky

Chapter 8:

Maybe depressing for those of you who self harm... I selfharm so its like i dont get fazed but you know some people do....

I was so so mad when I saw all over twitter about Jack and Madison. He knew I didn't like her. I mean ill respect the relationship if like he's happy but no. When Jack posted the picture of them and the caption about her I got even more sensitive. I mean who cares, I'll just forget about it he doesn't know where i am which is good.
I sat down on the couch and re-tweeted some people. About a minute later Jack posted a tweet
@jackgilinsky: I see you @elliedavidsz

Then there was a screen shot of my recent activities. I ignored it and kept going through everything. I went through my email and saw a group email from digifest. They said there was going to be a party in New york for us. I looked at everyone who was going. The Jacks commented that they weren't and sam did too. Which meant i wouldn't see them. So I decided to go. It was tomorrow and i had to catch a flight tonight. I packed my bag for a 5 day trip considering i knew they probably were going to have a meet and greet. I was done packing and my friend dropped me off at the airport.
The plane ride was boring. I mean besides the fat that there was this guy behind me that kept yelling "save the dolphins " i made it a vine and it was funny. In the email it said there was going to be a red carpet and then a whole party inside. No alcohol. But im sure someone was going to have alcohol. Once I landed I called an uber and took it to the hotel that digi booked for me. Then someone texted me. It was the anonymous person.

Anon: i see jack still cares and tries to find you. So stop now..or just kill yourself.

I almost immediately got emotional. I packed two razors. I could do it you know. Ive been clean for 2 days. I felt hot tears run down my face. All the memories about school and how they used to tell me that. Or how they called me fat. Also when my grandparents died. Everything just came back to memory and I went into the bathroom.
I broke one of my shaving razors until the other razors came out. I grabbed one of them and took off my pants. I put the razor in between two fingers and slowly slid it down on.my thigh. I only cut my legs.so no one saw my arms, especially my fans. They would die if they found out. I kept doing it till i ran out of tears. I stood up from the floor every weakly. I went to the shower and let them drain before stepping out and putting on my pajamas. Then i fell asleep crying.
*next morning*
I woke up not really in the morning, more like around 12:30. When i woke up i looked around and remembered about last night. I cried a little then went to get ready. The party started at 5. But they said get there at 3 so then you can go down the red carpet. I put on some sweats and a hoodie and walked down to McDonald's. I saw three other viners there and they noticed me. They said Hi and I got my food. By the time I got back upstairs to the hotel room it was 2. I took a shower and rinced really quick seeing as it was time to almost go. I got out and put on a skin tight maroon long sleeved dress. I rose just enough to cover my cuts. I mean i had to pull it down but still. I put on a dark denim jean jacket and black heels. I put curl gel in my naturally curly hair and let it fall down my back. I used concealer, mascara, and eyeliner. When i was done with that i was.done with everything. I called an uber then went down stairs. By the time i was down there the uber was here. I gave him the venue and we arrived just on time at 2:58. I grabbed my black handbag and put my phone in it.
When i walked out the car I was clouded with photographers, but it onky got worse. I walked down the carpet seeing a few people i knew and waved. I got pulled off into quick interviews. Most of them asked about my living, Jack, and about my best friends. All questions were really hard. I continued to walk down and saw someone in white chuck taylors and someone in black doc martins. No way. I only knew that meant one thing, it was kyliegh and Aleah. I ran as fast as i could in heals and they saw me. I jumped onto Aleah almost tackling her. Then kyliegh next. I started to cry and they started to cry as well. Then thats when I noticed who they were with. I saw behind them a huge group. With Nash's friend Tez, Nash, Nate, Sam, Carter, Hayes, and then i sqw them. It was the Jacks. I so badly wanted to jump in there arms and ask to move back but i couldnt. And that broke me even more.
Then I can in contact with him. Jack Gilinsky. Why. He saw me like if he saw a dead person. Tears started to brim his eyes and I couldn't take it anymore. I looked away facing the photographers. I put on a fake smile and posed trying to get my mind off things. I felt someone come behind me and hug me while pulling down my dress. On no. When i jumped on kyliegh my dress raised up. I looked and saw Gilinsky next to me. Still tears brimming his eyes but you couldn't tell. Not unless you were up close. He looked down at me. "You started again"he said in a shaky voice.
"Jack, i never stopped"