Road to War Part IV: The Space In Between

Still Remain the Things We Couldn't Kill

Why did he kiss her? He doesn't know. She just looked so pretty and dangerous and was so very clever. No one else had managed to take one of his weapons from him, at least not when they were put away. They had been knocked from his hands on rare occasion, but never this. He'd been impressed, as he always seemed to be by Natalia. He doesn't know what to do with these strange impulses. His training has not covered them in any way, and he suspects they will insist on wiping him if he reports them. Which he doesn't want.

Of course, the fact that he's considering going against his orders is likely indicative of his need to be wiped. He rationalizes that he won't be on this mission forever, and it will probably end soon. If he isn't sent on any other kinds of missions, and continues to be successful at this one, does it really matter if he isn't functioning perfectly? When this is over, he will be put into cryo, and then all this will be gone. The idea upsets him, but it's just how things are.

He will have to take care not to let his fondness for her become obvious to either his superiors or the other trainees. The natural preference he shows can only be attributed to her skill, and not any personal feelings on his part. He doesn't think it will be difficult to hide, so long as she refrains from doing anything rash. They are both skilled at covert ops, after all, so should be adept enough at keeping their ... friendship a secret from those who would separate them. He hopes. And if it means hearing her laugh again, he is willing to take the risk.

After she leaves, he trains Renata. She does well, but not as well as Natalia. When that session is over, he goes to his quarters and lies on his bed, thinking. Some of his memories are returning from before the last wipe, though they are jumbled and confusing. They hurt to think about and he supposes this must be why they are taken away frequently. He wonders if they will take away his memories of Natalia soon, and doesn't like that idea. It's so different, working with her, from any other part of his life. He feels almost like – almost like a regular agent. And it's very important to him to continue feeling that way; he doesn't want to go back.

He doesn't know how long he's been here, but the time he spends with the whole group is growing shorter and shorter. The lessons with the three are long still, and the girls are continuing to improve, but he can see that his usefulness is dwindling. Soon, he will have to go back. Back to cold and killing and silence. Back to never being alone but never being spoken to by those who surround him. Away from having authority and company and freedom. The realization is unbearable, and he wonders if being wiped will take away that knowledge. He forces the thought away and tries to sleep.

Days pass, but he doesn't see Natalia again. His afternoons are not left empty, of course, and the other girls cycle through in short lessons between Yelena and Renata. As Natalia misses more and more lessons, he wonders if it would be inappropriate for him to ask about her. None of the other girls act as though she is being punished in some way, behaving much the same as they were before. So she is likely just out on a mission. And eventually she'll come back and then maybe he can kiss her again. Time feels like it's slipping by and he is restless with the idea that he has so little left before he will have to leave this place. And days are wasted if he doesn't see Natalia.

Finally, he hears some news. After Elena is injured during her session, Anna helps her limp down to the infirmary. Anna was scheduled next, which was why she was nearby, so he settles down to wait and see if she will return. He considers if the girl's injury was a result of his restlessness, in which case he should report his concern to someone, or if it was merely due to her lack of skill, in which case he should develop a better plan to assist her.

While he is mulling this over, he is surprised to hear the distinctive clacking of high heels in the hallway outside of the training room. He gets to his feet and is not surprised to find the woman, Pauk, approaching. No one else wears expensive shoes here. She smiles at him in that way that always sets him on edge.