Dear Future Me

July 27, 2015

Dear Future Me,

Hello again!  I know you thought there was only gonna be one, but surprise, I'm making more than I thought.  The inspiration for this letter involves me coming to terms with who I am.  So let me start off with a little bit of a backstory.

When I was 3 I believed that kissing the wiggles would be awesome.  I would watch them on the screen, and I thought that the yellow one was really talking to me.  It was amazing, sharing crushes with Mickey Mouse and Barney.  That's when I started to think that liking them was okay, but I was sadly mistaken.  My parents started telling me that I liked certain people, saying "We know about your relationship with your neighbor, you can't hide it" with a smirk on their face.  So I did what any 3-5 does during this stage of my life, I lied and started kissing girls on the cheek.  I don't remember how I felt about it at that age, however I did keep up that act until First Grade. 

First grade brought in some new feelings, mostly trying to fit in with everyone else.  I still wanted to kiss boys and I still wanted to hang out with girls.  But I soon got made fun of for it, kids teasing me about never sitting with guys.  Of being a "Girly Boy" and not being man enough to sit with them.  I played soccer at the time, so being a manly soccer player was a goal of mine.  So I got a "girlfriend" and I decided that, if I couldn't just sit with girls, that I would at least have an excuse for it.  That relationship lasted for a month of 5th grade, and that's when I told myself I wouldn't ever like guys again because no one likes you for it. 

By that time, I had a friend named (Let's just call him Matt (not real name)) Matt and we played on the soccer team with him.  My parents told me there was something weird about him at the beginning of 7th grade, mostly because he quit soccer to pursue drama.  This switch automatically made him "Gay" even if he technically wasn't (which he was but still not all drama members are gay).  They started mentioning his name whenever there was something girly I did.  They would say, "That is so Matt" to hide the word from me, as if it were the Dark Lord.  I then decided never to tell anyone I was gay because everyone would hate me for it. 

10th grade (last year) I had this crush on this guy.  He was so muscular, he was funny, and played lacrosse just like me.  I wanted to be his friend so badly, just so I could get closer to him.  During morning lacrosse, I would wait for him in the changing room so I could walk with him (and watch him change *not a pervert just curious*).  The relationship started to become something, and we would joke about what we would do (sexually) to each other, him having no idea I was gay. 

But then it became a downhill slide, as he decided that my body was a punching bag, and anything I did was means for punishment.  I came home with bruises, but I wanted him to like me, so I decided to stay.  The physical harassment turned into verbal and physical, but I kept going, mostly because I liked him.  I got invited over to his house where he told me about some things that I can't say on this app (let's just say the police were involved).  I was terrified, but I stayed and I had an amazing night (no we didn't do anything, but let's just say his bed is really comfy).

I ended up staying his "friend" until an FLE class where they talked about physical abuse from a boyfriend.  I took it as a sign and reported him.  I have never loved someone like that before.  The way I saw him, I can't describe to anyone how it felt.  And when I did put him in, he was told to stay away from me, and I never see him now.  I don't regret it, but I wish I could relive that moment in his bed just one more time.

Now for the reason I write this.  I came out of the closet to my sister after 13 years of hiding.  I told her that I liked men and not women and she totally understood, surprisingly so, as she is firmly Christian.  I am now able to tell her who my actual school crushes are, and it feels amazing.  I hope I never lose that feeling ever. 

If anyone reads this, or if I read this, thank you!  Never forget the memories you have lived, even the bad ones, for bad memories come with a very comfy bed.

Love always,

Tyler