September Sun

Update

It's been a while since I started writing again, I know. And to answer the question regarding the state of my physical being; I'm very much alive.
I apologize to those who have been keeping up on my story and demanding that I write more. A lot has been going on since I released Chapter Five of September Sun, a lot of loss has ensued over the past couple of months. I recently found out that my ex, as some of you may already know, had been unfaithful. He didn't tell me himself, the brother of his best friend had personally come to me and he told me the information. I'm not going to go into detail about who it was with or any sort of that information. All I'm going to say is that a big part of me saw this coming, mostly because of the behavior he was exhibiting the week before. So I wasn't particularly taken aback, it was just really confusing to deal with emotionally, and I've been learning to cope with it.  The emotions that I was flooded with were very overwhelming.
At the beginning I felt like I could fly. I felt free, but maybe it was because I knew I had just escaped a relationship with someone who didn't find me worthy. I started to love myself again, I became a little more cocky. (Although, I didn't project it outwards in anyway.) Then it progressed to anger, and every time I thought about him and her I wanted to throw my fist through a wall. Then it faded into loneliness and regret. Then soon I felt nothing at all.
I haven't cut, I haven't self harmed. I actually tossed my razor out the night he ended it with me, because I decided I wasn't going to punish myself over someone else's doing. And I feel like this has taught me, and strengthened me as a person even as traumatic as the event was.

Fortunately, there is light after the darkness, because this eventually lead to me gaining another relationship. Although I never intended to get into another relationship after my previous one, me and the person I'm with currently dating have grown extremely closer (romantically) and it lead us to start a relationship together. I've known this person for three years and hes been my best friend since then. (During one point that I was with my ex, I was actually forced to give up my friendship with this person which I did, but slowly regained back after he left.) And I have to say, this person really makes me feel loved, and I really feel strongly for this person. He has helped me a lot through this emotional roller coaster.
I look back on the past and I realize that all through my previous relationship, he treated me with far greater (and yes, sometimes overwhelming) respect than my ex did. That can be a good thing but also a bad thing depending on how you perceive it.  I'm not saying that my ex didn't make me happy, or didn't show me respect, because he did. And I'm not saying he's a horrible person either.

And for those of you wondering, I have cut all connections with him even though he still tries to reach out to me, because honestly I think it's healthier that way. The only way I will ever really talk to him is if he tells me the truth himself and honestly, I don't see that ever happening.

Do I still feel for him? Yes, I'm not going to lie.
Do I still miss him? A tad.
Would I get back with him if he asked or talk to him again? No.

I'm not saying it doesn't sting when I hear about him, or get this sinking feeling inside whenever I see something that reminds me of him. It doesn't mean I don't still cry when I watch a certain movie we both watched together (Yes, I still automatically burst into tears when Bing Bong dies. For the few of you who know the story, you know why.)
But if there is anything to learn, it's that you can still miss something but not want it back. It's an odd but accurate human characteristic we all share. And we can all relate.

On another note regarding this book, I decided I'm going to continue. In fact, Ive come to the conclusion I'm going to base an entire series on my high school experience. I know it sounds long and exhilarating. Some find it impossible for me to remember everything that happened, but I do remember, I remember everything. The problem writing was not that I couldn't remember, it's that I couldn't put what I wanted to say into words. But writing is something I enjoy doing, and I shouldn't focus everything on how it comes out. So whatever I have to say, I'm just going to say it. And if I feel like I need to edit it, I can always go back and do so.

( And I'm putting everything in it.)

I deeply appreciate the support I've been receiving lately, I don't want those who have been helping me to go unacknowledged. Thank you for sticking by me, you guys know who you are.

But if there is another message to get out there, it's that sometimes you have to let the person you had the best memories with, become a memory.

Thank you guys for your patience.
~ AudreyaNight