Believe (Brimmy)

Chapter Two (James Sullivan)

Father is dying slowly.

He's been dying for the past four years now.

I first noticed it when he forgot which brand of dog food to get for Sadie at the grocery store. Small, understandable. I had brushed it off at the time. But slowly, he began to regress. Physically, he needed a cane, then a walker, finally resorting to needing a wheelchair. Mentally, he was pretty far gone.

I know Mr. Rosa can help him. I know God has chosen that man, that Mr. Rosa is gifted with God's healing touch.

I don't need much. Father is 73, he was already 57 when he adopted me, I don't expect Father to be able to walk again. I just want him to be able to remember what he ate for breakfast. I just want him to be able to dress himself, to know better than to wheel himself out into the city in the middle of the night.

I know Mr. Rosa can do that, by God's grace.

But maybe... maybe he doesn't choose Father because of me. Because of my sins.

When Father became more difficult to take care of, I had to stop going to Mass. In fact, I had not been to a confession in months. And there were things weighing heavily on my heart. Maybe if I went to Confession, maybe God would select Father through Mr. Rosa.

So I get Father dressed. I ask him if he needs to use the bathroom. He says yes.

I wonder if we should eat supper before or after the service. I decide after. We had leftover biscuits from breakfast, and I'm sure I could find a can of beans. We have some bacon, given to us yesterday by the grocer, and I want to save that for tomorrow. We need things to stretch as far as they can.

Inside the tent where Mr. Rosa speaks, I notice a boy in the crowd with his mother. Immediately, my heart aches, and I take a deep breath. He is beautiful.

I know for me to find males attractive is a sin, I know that it is immoral for me to long to kiss a boy's lips. This is another reason why Father likely isn't chosen. But this, this truly isn't something I can help. I try and force the thoughts away, I try and think of other things to keep my mind from defiling me. But try is all I can do.

This boy looks up at me. Should I look away? I am frozen in time. Should I pretend I was looking for someone? Would that seem ill-mannered? I decide yes, it would. I have to show kindness, right? I smile at the boy, a broad smile, and he looks down. Oh, no. What if my smile was too conspicuous? What if he knows I was just thinking about how beautiful he was, and what it would be like to kiss his lips and slide my hands along the skin of his chest...

I whisper a prayer.

Once the service starts, I forget the boy. I pray and hope and believe with every fiber of my being. I hang on every word Mr. Rosa says. But, as it turns out, Father isn't chosen. Haley McNabb is. I haven't seen her around at many of the services, she must be new.

I can't help but wonder if Father isn't chosen because of the way I thought about that boy. As Haley stands, not needing her cane any longer, I lean down so I can murmur in Father's ear. "I'm so sorry, Father. I'm sure this is my fault. I'll get you chosen one day, I swear."

Father smiles. "You're a good boy, Jimmy." He says. "You're always so good to your father. Just like Park. He taught you so well." I bite my lip hard to keep the sour emotions at bay.

After the service, I notice the boy. Maybe we can leave without him seeing us, maybe we can flee through the crowd. But it's too late. He smiles as he heads directly for us, and I chance a smile in return. 'Friendly.' I think. 'Be friendly. Don't come onto him, don't make a pass. Friendly.'