Jason's POV
A doctor crosses the door and I try to act like nothing has happened while we were alone, but I'm getting so nervous that I begin to sweat a lot. I need some air. "Er...I..." - I start - "I'll better wait out in the corridor". I take my coat and leave trying to seem as relaxed as possible. I hope they don't wonder why I've taken my coat when I just said I was going to wait in the aisle.
I go in the direction of the stairs and I walk down trying to calm myself, which comes to be difficult as the nerves are burning me so that I almost stab my face against some people walking up my way. For Christ's sake calm down. Calm down. I keep walking and now I get to the first floor. I turn to the left and I enter an aisle that gets to the cafeteria, and I guess Mark and Gary must be there. I couldn't keep a proper conversation right now so I immediately turn back and cross to the next aisle, hoping to find the front door. I walk some more steps and I can already see the street through the glass of the windows. Hooray.
I don't feel like getting my coat on as I'm still sweating but as soon as I'm out it's freezing and it's getting dark. My hands are shaking still because of the situation. Please calm down. Take a deep breath. I try to reflex about what just happened up there but it's not enough, I'm so worried. It was me who got distracted. I did it, I kissed him and I touched him and it is all my fault. But I'm worried that he got scared or felt bad because he wouldn't ever do that! But he carried on. I don't understand anything. I've fucked up, I've fucked up so much. I must tell him that I love him, it's the only thing left to do to make this all have sense. But how? Hey, I've been in love with you for 7 years and 20 years ago, the day the band split up and you hugged me for the last time I cried all night??? How the heck do I explain a thing to him now?
"Jay!" - A voice suddenly breaks my thoughts and I look around feeling quite lost. "Jason!" - It's Gary calling me from the door. I didn't notice I had kept walking and got this far from the door. "We thought you were with Howard" - He says coming to me as I go closer to his way. "I was" - I feel my voice is shaking - "I just needed some air". He understands and thank God he doesn't ask me anything. We walk in and I think I'm feeling better now. We get to the stairs and go up to the third floor.
When I enter into Howard's room I try to relax and not to think about what happened. I hadn't realised it was already dark. Mark is there with Howard, so I guess the doctors allowed more people to visit him yet. It's 9:30 pm. For how long had I been out?
"[...] Then why can't you do it? The fans are in their rights to see the band" - They're discussing about the gigs. "Hey" - I say and I stand resting my hands on the bed.
"Hey mate" - Mark answers and keeps arguing, while Howard puts his eyes on me for a second and offers me a smile, then turns to Mark again.
"But the fans want to see Take That, not Jay and Gary and I" - Mark complains.
After 20 minutes of arguing, Howard defends himself "Yes but they'll get so depressed" - he says - "Imagine it, poor them...we mean so much to those people and they've been waiting for so long, just for one night" "Please" - he begs us. Mark makes a pause and stares at the two of us around him. I wait for them to say anything but a "We could do it" comes out of my mouth. The truth is I'd do anything to make Howard happy. "Well...maybe it works" - Mark admits. "We could never disappoint our fans, could we?" - Gary approves too - "We still didn't cancel anything so it is alright, we will just have to announce that Howard won't be able to be with us". "I'll prepare the comunicate tonight if you-" he gets interrupted by a nurse that comes telling us the time to leave has come. It's almost 10 pm. "Okay ahm...I'll prepare it tonight and I'll send you by e-mail, then the directive will make it through the papers" - Gary tells us and we all get ready to go. We say goodbye to Howard and walk to the end of the aisle.
"Scuse me!" - A doctor comes behind us - "The patient wants to see you" - He says pointing at me. "Do you want us to wait for you?" - Mark asks me and I tell them it's not necessary, I know they've got children waiting for them at home, so I don't want them to stay for me. "Are you sure?" - They come. "Yeah, I'll be well" - I laugh and they say good night before leaving.
I come back to Howard's room feeling quite nervous. The corridor is empty because most of the people have left. I enter, and I stare at him with a smile on my face I cannot remove. He's laying with his back rested on a cushion, and he's got more cables connected to his chest and his arm. "You forgot your umbrella" - He says innocently pointing to it. I get so shocked because he could have given it to the doctor, but he made me come. I thank him and I take the umbrella. I go and stand by his side and we look at each other for seconds, and for a moment all the tension I had has gone. I don't want to leave.
"Do you think they'd let me go outside now?" - He asks me in a soft tone, almost a whisper. He seems tired but so alive at the same time. "Outside? Why do you want to go outside?" - I laugh in a low voice. As soon as I've said this I think it's quite obvious that he wants to go outside, he's been here all day. "I'd like to breathe some fresh air" - he tells me. A deep feeling of pity catches me. "I don't think they would allow you to...it's so late" - I say and the doctor who came before comes to see how we're going. "I'll just need 5 minutes more, please" - I beg him. He seems nice, that's why I'm insisting. "Allright, only 5" - He approves and leaves.
I come back to Howard's side and I get closer to him. "I wish I could go outside with you" - He says - "I feel better when you're here". I don't know what they've injected him now but whatever it is, it's making effect on him, because he wouldn't normally talk like this. And it makes me sad, 'cause it feels so damn good to hear him talk this way. I could tell him right now what he makes me feel, I could tell him how nice it is to hear him talk this way and how I wish he wouldn't forget anything for the next day. But he closes his eyes before I can even react. He was so tired, so I understand it. I put my hand on his cheek. How I wish I could stay with him.
"Good night, Howard" - I whisper, and I hardly quit my hand off his cheek.
