Blithe

Chapter 5 // The Stars are Smiling

Grace slammed her bedroom door, collapsing into a puddle of tears. Her backpack sailed across the floor and smashed into the wall opposite her. Grace swore she heard something break, but at this point, she didn't give a shit.

A week had passed as Grace's "vacation", more so cooling time from the incident. She pleaded for more time, but she knew that she eventually had to face the world again. The day she returned to school, her otherwise invisibility turned into as if she was walking around the halls with a plaque around her neck with "homeless freak" written on it in glowing neon colors. All day, she felt eyes either burning into the back of her skull or the pitiful glances of her teachers. She came to the conclusion that she loathed both equally. The day came to a wretched, fiery end when her teacher for her last period class announced vague details of her situation to the entire class and told everyone to be super nice. Some kids snickered, and then others had burst into laughter. Despite the teacher's pleas for the class to listen to her, they only continued their laughter. Because of this, Grace dashed out of the room, bag in hand, and sat outside until the buses arrived. The bus ride may have been okay if not for the multitude of kids in the back chanting homeless at her.

So finally, she did what she had done all these years. Shut herself away until it was completely necessary to leave. This time for instance, she was in her room for three hours. Her record still stood at twenty four hours. Things were better now. At least she tried convincing herself that every morning. She had actually believed it for a few days.

Dinner rolled around, and Lyss was shaking with worry. "Gracey, food's down here if you're hungry," she called in a shaking voice.

Slowly but surely, Grace lifted herself from the floor and stumbled, as if she was falling apart, downstairs. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were puffy and tear stained. Lyss decided it was best to stay quiet and to allow her grandchild to speak on her own.

After ten solid minutes of Lyss eating, Grace looked up, food hardly touched, and bit her lip. "Any news about mom?"

Lyss shifted in her seat. "Well, yes. I got a call maybe thirty minutes ago." She wiped her mouth with her napkin and plastered on a smile. "She's holding up. She's healing. We just need time." Tears welled up in her eyes, indicating there was more to the phone call.

"G-Grammy.." Grace trailed off. "What did they really say?"

Lyss tried to swallow the swelling feeling in her throat. Tears threatened to spill down her face, but she but them back. "She's doing badly," she started in a small voice. "She's just not responding to the treatments and fluid is filling her lungs and nobody knows why," she whispered in a cracking voice.

Grace couldn't even cry any more. No more than she already had her entire life. No more than she already had that entire day.

Lyss stood up, empty eyed and almost zombie like. At this point, Lyss was in her shutting down mode. Grace had only witnessed it a few times before, but every time, she had watched Lyss disappear. One time, it lasted for three weeks. "I need to go to my room," Lyss said slowly. She scraped off her plate, then quickly walked up the stairs, leaving a whirlwind of confusion for Grace to try to piece together.

Grace went upstairs as well, deciding that sleeping would possibly bring her more peace than the waking world. On her way to her room, she pressed her ear to her grandmother's door.

"I've lost too much. I've lost too much," she heard Lyss mumble. "I'm a horrible mother. If she knew more of love maybe she would be happy. If I showed her love, maybe she would be happy. If I at least taught her..." she cried slightly louder. "She would be happy. Grace would be happy but it's...my...fault..."

Grace couldn't take it anymore. She ran to her room, locked herself in, and wrapped herself in a blanket. To secure herself and make herself less vulnerable, she scrunched under her bed, feeling tears spill down her face. She mumbled the word no over and over again. "It's not happening," she said to herself. "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay," she mumbled herself. Maybe if she said it enough, she could make herself believe it.

But no.

That could not fix this, she told herself.

She crawled out from under her bed, and began pacing the floor. She did this until her tears had long since dried. Until her feet hurt. Until her eyes stung from staring at the ground in front of her for so long. She was lost, as far as she knew. Numb. Gone.

But she had to do something. She was okay with feeling like this, but she was not okay with seeing her grandmother suffer. As much as her mother had hurt and caused Grace more emotional distress than anyone, she still believed her mother did not deserve the life she had.

She walked to the window, lifted the bottom pane, and climbed on to the roof. The air should have been chilling her to the bone, but she barely felt the cold right now. The night sky was clear that night. The moon was like a spotlight and the stars were sprawled across the black canvas that was the night sky. By now, it was midnight. Or close to it.

"How can I fix this?" she asked to no one in particular. "How can I make them happy?"

She pulled her blanket and pillow on the roof with her and gazed up absentmindedly. "That's all I want," she yawned, suddenly tired. "Let me make them happy." Grace felt her eyelids growing heavy. Her breathing steadied, and the moon's soothing light lulled her into a deep rest.