Dear Diary,
So I stole someone's keys to their motel room so I could find a place to sleep. The cops came to evict me out the room. I complied until I learned they would arrest me for some questioning. I escaped as fast as I could. I don't think I'll make it in jail rubbing my roll while I'm there. By the way, I think I'm gonna walk to grandma's. Or hitchhike. The driver might ask what I'm doing under my coat and I'll have to run from the cops again.
The journey to Derrick's grandma's had been a rather uneventful one. Well, besides being on the run from the cops, but whatever.
It was when he was walking down the street, that he saw a wanted poster taped to a window of a restaurant.
"WANTED: Young man furiously masturbating in a large red coat!
EYES: Brown
HAIR: Brown
HEIGHT: 5'10 - 6'1
AGE: 17 - 20
WEIGHT: Around 160 - 175 lbs.
NAME: Unknown
IF FOUND, SHERIFF WILL GRANT A REWARD OF $150"
Derrick was a bit insulted. Surely he was worth more than $150? Not only that, but they could tell he was havin' a wrestle with his one-eyed vessel? Maybe his disguise wasn't as good as he thought it was. Just then, the restaurant owner popped out of the building.
"Hey, I know you."
"Huh?" Derrick replied, while masturbating.
"You're the guy all over the news. Masturbating and all that."
Derrick looked down at himself. More specifically, the looked down at his hand pumping up and down inside his coat. "Yeah, that's me."
"You sure got stamina, kid. Mind lending me some?" The store owner asked.
"Pardon."
"Yeah. I can't please my wife anymore. I know she's faking it every time. Viagra ain't done shit."
"......"
"......"
"......"
"Say, kid, if you tell me how to get it up like you do, I'll treat you to a meal. I won't call the cops or nuthin'." The owner offered.
"Deal."
Derrick walked into the restaurant and sat where the man told him to. The seats were surprisingly soft and comfortable, but the table was still wet with cleaning product. Maybe later, they would be wet with Derreck's semen. Derrek was handed the menu and he quickly skimmed through it.
"I'll haaaaaave... two orders of chicken tenders... some fries... four burgers... a shake... four slices of apple pie... aaaaaaand... eight bowls of chili... and maybe I'll also have some wings and a slice of pizza... with a salad, of course. Gotta watch those carbs." Derrick said.
"Sir?" The owner asked, concerned.
"Yes?"
"This is a Chinese restaurant."
"Oh," Derrick began to take notice the Buddha statues, bamboo plants, and the Chinese characters in the menu. "Then twenty orders of Kung Pao Chicken."
"Anything else?" The store owner tried his best not to roll his eyes.
"A soda and a spring roll."
"On it."
Derrick waited quietly for his meal. He listened to the outdated pop songs coming from the radio, he felt the pleasure radiating off of his hand, and smelled the odd mix of Clorox and Chinese food. Derrick laid his head on the table. The reflection on the table looked at him. He spent quite a while just looking at the blurry and vague image the table showed him. When was the food coming, again?
The restaurant owner brought in twenty plates of chicken and set them right in front of Derrick.
'Geez, what took this guy so long?' Derrick wondered. He would've said it out loud, but he isn't one to complain about free food.
"Thanks." Derrick said instead. He looked at all the food in front of him.
'Maybe the spring roll was too much...'
Eventually, Derrick was done with his fifth plate, and the restaurant owner began speaking. "So.. how do you keep it up that long?"
The Masturbatory Master completely stopped eating his chicken. He just looked down at his plate. He tried to look the restaurant owner in the eyes, but his eyes wouldn't let him. He tried speaking to the owner, but there was chicken in his mouth. So, he swallowed. And he cracked open the can of soda. And he swallowed that as well.
Derrick had no idea how he kept it up that long.
"Aaaaaahhhh..." Derrick tried.
The owner was looking at him.
"Well... you just... kinda..."
The owner was still staring at him.
It felt like all of gravity was gluing Derrick's eyes to the chicken, but Derrick had other plans. He took one last bite of chicken, and with his own willpower, Derrick's eyes shot up to meet the restaurant owner's stare.
"YOU GIVE THAT LIMP DICK OF YOUR'S A TALKING TO!" Derrick yelled.
"... excuse me?"
"THAT'S RIGHT! YOUR COCK NEEDS A TALKING TO! IT NEEDS TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE!"
"For what?"
"FOR NOT PLEASING YOUR WIFE! FOR TAKING HER FOR GRANTED! YOUR PEEEEEEENIS NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT IT SHOULD BE LIMP FOR!"
"What?"
Derrick leaned into the owner's face, "For ten weeks straight, you will only tease your weenie to the ugliest, filthiest, unwankable-est porn."
"Why?"
"So that when you finally have sex with your wife, your dick will say 'Yes! None of those ogres this man has forced me to stand up to!' and it will leap back to life!"
The restaurant owner's eyes were opened.
"Th- thank you."
Derrick nodded.
"So, do you think I can take all of this to go, or..?"
