Just a person...Right?

1: I STILL LOVE YOU

If  all the gods could speak they'd lead me back to your door, but the one problem is your gone and there's no way to go back. All that I could think of is the the way you'd sit right there laughing at all my dumb jokes and smile like there was nothing wrong. Now all I see is darkness with no way out wishing to be rescued by your smile, but now your gone and I just can't let you go. It's like I'm stuck here with noway to get out. Let's just go back to you and me how it used to be. All these stupid regrets holding me back from you. Since you left all I hear are your cries that bring nothing but memories of what could of been. So I hold myself together to keep me from falling. I know I should give up there's no use in trying to get you back. I don't blame you if you never want to see my face anymore, who would ? I know I wouldn't after what I did to you. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for all the damage I caused and the pain you felt that day. I hope I could make it up to you, I'd spend the rest of my life trying if it means I get to see your eyes shine bright when you'd smile just for me. I hope and pray to God that you could over see all these terrible things so let me know when your ready so we could fix up all these broken pieces of the only proof that we were once a thing. Don't worry about it please all I want is to have another chance to make this work the right way, the only way. We've always got glue and if that runs out I have duck tape. I love you...please write back.
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Its been 4 weeks since I read the letter. I find myself always going back to look at it, it's like I still don't believe that it's actually there. When I read it my heart aches with pain, but I can't let myself go through this again. I don't think I have the strength to even respond to this. It's one thing to forget it's another to ignore, and right now I've been ignoring him for 7 good months then out of the blue he hand gives, yes I said hand gives, me this hand written letter. I wanted to cry and rip it up into shreds, but before I could he had both of my hands and said softly "Please read this I know it's much, but please and if you don't like it ...tell me." He said this a little too soft if you asked me. I just wanted to go because him writing me this letter reminded me of what we used to do. How we'd write letters to each other whenever we had time. How I hate him so much all he dose is bring back all these broken memories. Why can't he stay away,but I know I'm just lying to myself I still love him. Yeah I try to forget him, but do people really forget, I mean really we try to ignore the person, but as long as your focus is to stay away you think of them.Ugh it's a loss loss situation for me see. I don't know what I want anymore. I think I should take a break from all this, but school doesn't help at all I mean I see him all the dame time. For once can something just go the old rainbows and unicorns and dancing,happy penguins. I know, I know isn't butterflies not unicorns and what's up with the penguins. Known fact about me I'm afraid / hate butterflies I know crazy, how can a person hate something beautiful!?, I say ew to that have you not seen spongebob not the reason why but hey it shows I'm not alone. I guess 2 of the many things I hate. I'm so sick and tired of all these people I don't think I could trust anyone except my family, well with somethings. Man I wish I had something that could tell me what would happen if I choose either way. Like oh if you choose this way happy ending with the one you love and this side forever alone, I think I over did it, but hey forever alone isn't that bad right. I think I need more time to think this out, why me? You know fuck all this I need to get away from this shit I'm wasting my time crying and whining over this I'm going outside for awhile.
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Why hasn't she wrote back its been 4 weeks already. I knew this wouldn't work, why can't I just get over this. I'm so stressed out about the whole thing. If only I could tell her the truth about me, but she'd never understand nor believe me. She's what makes me a better person, I'm myself when I'm with her. Can't she see how much I'm hurting. I'm killing myself just thinking of all this. Why is it so hard for me to calm down and focus lately. Whenever I get mad my eye vision gets blurred my ears feel numb and everything else is going to fast I find myself waking up in random places in my house. My dad knows nothing about this like he'd cares anyway he's never home and when he is it's like I don't exist. Maybe that's why I love her so much she was the only person who notice me when I was alone. She was the only great thing in my life. This is not a lie my life is pretty shitty. Never met my mom because she died when I was born, dad blamed me ever since. I was raised by my grandma most of my life,but she past when I was 9 so after that I was on my own. I was a lonely kid no one bugged they knew my problem they were to afraid to say anything. Until she came around in middle school I never thought I would have so much fun with anyone in my life. She made me see things in a new perspective, and man was it good. I smile more then I ever did in my life. Even now that we're juniors in high school we still had fun. Then it all got ruined, but the truth is that it was never really my fault. I can't let her know that it's way to risky. I tell her when then times right for now I'll just have to wait.