Listening to Katherine (girlxgirl)

13: End

You see when you truly love someone, you should never let them go. You should cherish them. You should never be ashamed to be called theirs. The thing with me was that I was embarrassed when people would find out that my partner was seven years older than I was and had "terrible" jobs. I was embarrassed that my partner was literally deaf in varying degrees. I was embarrassed that my partner had a best friend with Down syndrome. I didn't treasure what we had. I only kept acting as if I didn't care about things when the truth was that I did. I cared about a lot of things. I certainly cared about what other might think of us.

Fhac had no dreams. She was content with what she had. She was happy with her minimum-waged job, her tiny flat, and her social status. Those were the things that concerned me. And it was senseless!

Another problem was that I had a choice. I could've chosen to go elope with Fhac. I was turning eighteen the day after that incident. But no, I was being imprudent, foolish and weak. I was also scared about my future being "ruined" if I ran away with Fhac, and even if I did, I wouldn't be sure if our future together would actually be ruined. My father had no idea what the future would bring.

I partially blamed Gabriela for all of this. She just couldn't shut her mouth. She always wanted to be in the spotlight. She wanted to be my "hero," and gain all the recognition from saving me from a terrible future with a "poor" individual. I always knew she'd have something to do with this heartache of mine. I shut her out of my life... forever.

Time flies when you're having fun, that's what they say. I had decided to ignore what had happened that very day when I talked to Fhac. I always pretended that I was okay anyway. Although, I had always wanted to know what was Fhac thinking.

Her face would always cross my mind. She was gorgeous in her own way. Her hair was slightly frizzy, her posture wasn't perfect, and occasionally, she'd have pimples on her forehead. Also, I failed to recognize her beauty within. She was sympathetic, sweet, understanding, well-mannered, canny, and most of all, patient. I could never find someone with those traits such as hers. Each time I'd date somebody, I would unknowingly look for those certain traits in a person. I didn't know why, I just actually realized that. Now, who could have ever found someone like her?

The thing that hurt me the most was that the memories with her can never be erased. They were beautiful and worth thinking. It kind of sucked because every night, as I lie down on my bed, those were always the things I'd think of. I just couldn't help it even though I hadn't seen her since in months.

I really hated the feeling.

One time, I couldn't help myself, I decided to go spy on Fhac. I followed her from the DVD store where she was working. She ended up in a park, sitting on a bench and looking like she was waiting for somebody. I was in my hoodies, hiding behind the bushes. I was anxious that she might see me. But Fhac was preoccupied. Her legs were crossed, and she was writing on a notepad. I never knew she was left-handed. How terrible of an ex-girlfriend was I?

Fhac looked blissful. She looked like she was writing a love letter to some girl. That made me jealous, even though I had no idea what was on her mind that afternoon. I couldn't get over the possibility that she might have gotten over me already, while I, an imprudent girl, was still thinking about her and her fingers on me. Yes, I kept thinking about that.

Left-handed people write very oddly, and I thought it was cute. Fhac looked very adorable. I wondered what other things she could've given me if we were still together. She made me a candy once on my 17th birthday. I thought about what she could've had given me on my 18th birthday if I had chosen to run away with her. Probably sex, which I could never have been able to resist.

I could've just approached Fhac and converse with her. I could have just pretended that our paths accidentally crossed in a park. But I couldn't, because of my ego. I wanted Fhac to talk to me first, but she never did, not once, even a simple hello. You know when you wanted someone to talk to you, but you needed them to make a conversation first, because you have this pride in you, wherein you don't do the first move because you feel like you deserve more attention than they do. That was me. Also, because I was a tad pussy. I was scared that she might go saying "goodbye" again, leaving me crying at night. I was also afraid that she might not want to see my face anymore. It was better this way, spying on her.