Come Home {On Hold}

Chapter 1

They say there are 10 stages of grief, 

1. Shock 

2. Emotional Release 

3. Depression 

4. Physical Symptoms 

5. Anxiety, Fear, and Panic 

6. Anger 

7. Guilt 

8. Hesitancy to renew normal activities 

9. Renewed sense of hope 

10. Accepting ones new role and adjusting to reality 

At this very moment I'm at stage one.

So that's probably why my therapist told me to write it all down.

Every. Single. Memory.

Good or bad.

So maybe I still have some connection to him. So when I get to the worse stages I'll be able to remember those memories when I look in this book.

So he'll still be here in some way.

But to be honest I don't want to, because writing them down to remember is finally accepting he's gone and maybe I don't want to accept it yet.

Maybe I want another week where I can pretend that he's going to walk through our apartment door and hug me and say that its all going to be okay, and that he'd never leave me.

But according to my therapist the sooner I start the grieving, the sooner I end my grieving and the sooner I'll be okay again.

I wonder though has she ever been in love, because love is something you don't forget.

Love is something you remember for your whole life. 

I know no matter how much time has passed I will always remember him. 

Even when I'm old and gray. 

Even when I can't eat on my own. 

Even when I can no longer stand on my own. 

I will remember him. 

I will love him. 

I will miss him. 

I will grieve him. 

I will cry over him. 

I will wish he would come back to me. 

But I won't forget him, because love is funny like that. It swoops in one day an you realize your falling for that someone and it almost feels like you've been blindsided, but you realize you knew that whole time that you were falling in love. 

You want to know that funny part? 

You don't regret it. 

But when those moments of love and joy stop and that persons just gone. 

Those memories are all you have left. 

Kisses under water. 

Matching tattoos.

Slow dancing without music.

Sky diving.

Holding each other at night whispering 'I Love you'. 

The first time. 

Long car dives for no reason, but you don't want to stop so you just keep driving. 

Having movie nights instead of partying. 

Talking about having kids one day. 

Even the bad memories hold a purpose. 

The fights. 

The screaming. 

The crying. 

The arguing. 

Because I knew that even when we fought we would always make up and then make some of those sweet memories. 

But that won't happen anymore. 

But if I could tell him one more thing. 

I would say. 

'I never told you but I was falling in love'.