Rumblings

The Rock

Sometimes when you're a giver, you lose a part of yourself. 

Constantly helping, being everyone's rock, people forget that you're human too. They come to you for support. They text you, "Hey, how are you?" knowing that you will give a polite answer, and ask them back so that they can unload. And they'll unload their stresses and burdens and neuroses, knowing that you'll make it all better. 

It's easy to succumb to the roles thrust upon us. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The victim constantly feels victimized because that is how they've been labelled and known their whole life. The rock becomes The Rock: strong, independent, emotionally impenetrable. Soon, you realize that in being everyone's caregiver, you've forgotten to care for yourself. 

When you need support, you're afraid of asking for it - lest your image be marred and those who depend on you realize that they have been selfish. Always asking, always assuming you will be there to make it all right again. They know you'll pick up every broken piece of their life, and glue it together so beautifully that they will prefer this bastardization to the original, every time. What they don't know is that in loving them, caring for them, and being their rock, you give a piece of yourself every time. You would never show it, but it drains you. You absorb their sadness, their neuroses become your own. You free them of their restraints, but the price is tightening yours. 

And that's why she found herself, on that early Sunday morning, feeling restless. She felt like she could do it no more. She fantasized about running away, leaving her phone at home and just disappearing for a week to recharge. She wanted to be selfish. She wanted to get up and go to bed whenever she pleased. She wanted to be able to go out grocery shopping alone, without notifying anyone. She wanted to nap all day and work all night and revert to her younger self, but a more improved, wiser version.

But she knew that she never would. Because she had people dependent on her. She was The Rock that held the very foundation of her family and friends up. And everyone knows that if you suddenly remove the foundation, the whole structure will fall apart. She would never choose to break those whom she loved. 

Sighing heavily, she focused on the warmth of her coffee cup between her hands. Praying that it might be enough to warm her heart and heal her soul, if only temporarily.