seungin oneshots

drift away

🕊️🧸

5/23/2010

it's not easy. no.

watching someone you love slip just out of reach. someone you grew up with. someone whose smile feels like home—watching them light up around someone else.

wasn't that supposed to be me? me. i deserved it, i deserved him—it's not fair. not fair, not fair.

so why is it that seungmin grows up with jeongin? our first meeting is something we always laughed about—because of how stupid it was.

kindergarten. graduation day. on stage, too close together. they were doing a dance for the parents, and seungmin, clumsy and nervous, tripped on his gown. knocked jeongin over.

and that was it. a spark. a dumb, sweet beginning.

it's not fair.

now, they're in college. jeongin talks about this girl in one of his classes. the way he talks about her—like she matters, like she's special.

of course, the guy's not gay. it would've been foolish to think he was.

but seungmin still hoped. from middle school, where those stupid feelings first bloomed, all the way through to now.

and now they're shattered.

hearts shouldn't hurt like this. shouldn't twist like this. he watches jeongin laugh with her, hold her hand, fall in love—and it guts him. every second.

does god hate him? is it punishment, karma, some cruel joke—for loving a boy?

why. why. why. why. why. why.

why did he have to fall for someone who'd never look at him that way? why couldn't it have been a girl? girls are nice. girls are what his family wants. what they expect.

so why is this so fucking hard?

watching someone you love choose someone else. get engaged. slip rings on fingers that should've held yours. kiss like it's the easiest thing in the world.

god, maybe it is. and maybe seungmin's the broken one.

he wants to be normal. god, he wants to be normal.

why does it hurt watching them raise kids, build a life, when he used to imagine it being him?

marrying jeongin. adopting a dog. running fingers through that soft black hair. kissing that stupid pouty mouth, that smile. feeling skin beneath his palm. falling asleep in each other's arms.

but he never got that. never would.

years passed. relationships came and went. meaningless hookups. distractions. nothing worked. not one thing.

he'd think of jeongin. always jeongin.

did he want to tear his heart out? yeah. every fucking day.

—— 7/9/2015

so. this is my letter. signing off. it's been a hell of a few years—alive, then not. laid off. abandoned. cut off by my parents. siblings too. like i was some shameful secret.

and now jeongin's drifting too. busy with his job. with his family. and i'd just drag him down. i know it.

so what's the point? i'm useless. a sinner. pathetic.

i had a future once. now? nothing. just disappointment. just a burden.

so—goodbye.

and no, it wasn't a good life. but i'm writing this down because i need to get it out. maybe i'll write letters to the people i still love. maybe.