FAIR WARNING THIS CHAPTER INVOLVES CUTTING (its not an overly important chapter so u can skip it if ud like)
When I woke up I was freezing. It was dark and I hurt everywhere, Especially between my legs. What happened? I couldn't remember anything at first and then it all came flooding back. I started crying silently, how could this have happened? How did I let myself get into a situation like this?
I started looking around, gathering where I was. I was laying down in his bed. The deep blue comforter was only on him. Any other moment I'd call him a blanket hog but right now I just want out. My keys were tossed by the door frame, which was a couple yards away.
I slowly lifted his arm up, hoping like all hell he wouldn't wake. He made a noise and I quickly looked over. Nope still sleeping. Okay. Not wanting to take the time to find my clothes I quickly throw the first thing I find, which unfortunately is one of his t-shirts. Wearing that made me feel even more disgusting than I already did. All I wanted to do was break down and cry for years on end, but I knew I had to get out first.
I grabbed my keys as slowly as I could not wanting to chance making a single noise. Once I had my keys I couldn't help it anymore, i bolted. When I yanked open the front door I heard him yell. I quickly ran to my truck not bothering to shut the door. I quickly opened my door and got in. When I looked up he was already in the doorway. I start crying and praying that it starts the first try. Oh thank god it does. By the time I starts backing up he's already at my door. I try my best to focus on backing out as he's banging on the windows. I finally get out of the drive way and drive off.
When I finally started paying attention to where I was going I was in Utica. I quickly pulled into a gas station and threw my truck in park. There I finally allowed myself to think about what had just happened. All the emotions just came flooding in. All of the things I wanted to suppress were there. I felt gross and disgusting and just vile. I ignored all of the people looking in. I couldn't take it. I cried for hours. When I finally stopped, it was dark out. I didn't want to go home but I knew I had no choice.
When I got home everyone was sleeping. I quickly ran to the bathroom and turned on the water. I then took off his disgusting t-shirt and threw it out. I got in the shower and just sat there. I didn't wash up, I didn't cry.I just sat. As I felt the little drops of water run down me it felt like it was takeing some of vileness with it. I felt numb, almost. And unfortunately for me, there was only one way to deal with numb.
I got out of the shower and left the water running. I quickly ran to my room and grabbed blades that I've had for a while but haven't used in years. I ran back to the shower and silently cried.
1st cut-on my thigh-how dare you put yourself in that situation
2ed cut-on thigh-slut
3ed cut-on thigh-worthless
I just kept going. None were too deep. I wasn't ready to die. I had a reason for each one.I wound up with foreteen on each thigh. I then got out of the shower and put on pajamas. I can't believe I relapsed. What is wrong with me? I cried myself to sleep, waiting for darkness to consume me.
