Ink Blots

deux

dear north;

    I didn't think about you much after the first time we talked.

I had dreams about how your voice sounded, if it was rough or smooth, if it broke hearts or mended them. I woke up with a smile on my face, and I didn't understand why I did. Maybe it was the way your lips wrapped themselves around my name, or the way your mouth was a little crooked when you smiled.

   One day, you came back after picking Valerie up. It was 1 a.m. and the rain hit the ground like a million little bullets, missing their target. My dad almost kicked you out and told you to get your ass away from his daughter. I ran after you in my pajamas and I couldn't read your lips, you were screaming at me. You were shouting and shouting, your eyes were red and you were so sad, North.

I didn't understand you. You spoke too fast and the water seemed to wash all of your words away.

   "Dad, excuse, father, failure, escape," was all I could read. I begged my parents to let me stay by your side, because even if I couldn't hear you: I heard you. You were broken beyond repair, but the idea of running away from the pieces made me a horrible person. I tiptoed around them and nodded every time you spoke. You dangled from a thin thread, one that wasn't too steady. And I wasn't about to let you go.

    You didn't stop talking until the rain settled down. You were crying and I couldn't see why you showed up at my place this late. Val told me you have a girlfriend, one you brought to every Sunday dinner. She's the one who should've hugged you and kissed you, told you that you'll be okay. She knew you, North. (But then again, you and I both know she never did. You loved me more than you ever loved her.)

    "North," I said. My hair was wet and my throat was already protesting to the cold. You sat in front of my house, on the sidewalk. Your car was parked diagonally; you would've gotten a parking ticket if it stayed in that state. "Do you want me to drive you home?"

     You looked at me, and your eyes were overwhelmed with all the pain in the world. I then knew that you held too much on your shoulders, that you were crumbling and no one wanted to help. You didn't know how to love, and you ended up alone, on a stranger's lawn.

    "I don't have a home, Lilac," you said.

   "Where do you live?"

    You pointed to your beaten up car, "right there. It's a nice place, isn't it?"

    "Oh," I sighed. I sat closer to you on the wet asphalt and I don't know why I did so, North. Maybe it was because you were drunk and miserable, and you shouted all your problems at me. Maybe I should've asked you why you were here, or told you to go back to your car and leave me alone.

   But I didn't. I put my hand on your knee and said, "do you have a friend you could stay with?"

   You looked down at my hand and shrugged. You probably answered.

   "I didn't get that," I said.

   Your eyes saw mine, "they're all assholes."

   And so, North, I asked you if you needed a place to stay. You shook your head, and told me that you just wanted a glass of water. My mom helped you wash your face and gave you a pair of my father's sweatpants and a sweater. She put your clothes in the dryer and gave you Advil, a bottle of water and an orange. My father went back to sleep. I parked your car in our small driveway and put an extra pillow in the back seat. Your car reeked of Lysol and pizza. You drank and ate, soon you were in the back of your car, head on two pillows and covered with a blanket.

   "You okay?"

   Your head was set on the pillows softly, your hair spread on them. You had a beautiful expression, North. It made me believe that you were drunk on the essence of the stars. You nodded and I bid you a goodnight. I asked you to come by in the afternoon tomorrow, so that you can talk to me.

   Just as I was about to leave, you grabbed my wrist and held me back. I asked you if you needed anything. You shook your head and there was splendor in your looks. You swept your hand across your face and put your fingers together at your chin.

   I smiled, because you told me I was beautiful. But you weren't conscious. "Thank you," I said.

   You put the edge of your hand on your chin and pushed it away. "Thank you," you said. I imagined your voice to be lonely and thankful all at the same time. I shut the back door of your car and went back to my house to sleep.

   God, North. Can you imagine what would've happened if you hadn't come to my house that night? You were drunk and driving, but you told me that you hadn't drank that much, later. I asked you, one night in your arms, why you came to my house. And you said, "you reminded me that something good in the world existed. You were so beautiful, it was easier to be mad at the world by your side."

love, lilac