No Control

Adele:

"I didn't know that words could be so heavy". It's true, the way he spoke with his words made my heart melt. They way the smoke from his cigarette curled up into the air just like the dark clouds on rainy days. The way his eyes melt when he saw nature and how the earth was so perfect in every way. The way he made sure that the people he loved was in good hands.
I remember the way when we were both drunk, the world was spinning around us, yet it was so clear. I remember the day when he smiled at the littlest things that made me so happy. I remember when he showed me places that I couldn't see with my own eyes.
Sometimes things could be so extraordinary with the right person, he was the right person. I wasn't sure if I loved him but damn, I knew I wanted to kiss him so bad ; I just wanted to kiss those lips that made my day better then with his words. Of coarse, He always made the best coffee.
The coffee tasted like sweet autumn leaves with warmth. It felt like the feelings I had for him, Ha. I didn't have feelings, it was more feelings. Again, I sometimes rather be his shot of whiskey then his cup of coffee. Yes, his coffee was special but when he passed a shot of whiskey to me that night, wow. He was different, I was different, The whole world was different. I wanted to tell him everything, I was afraid he would run off because of my mistakes, that scared me.
Some nights when we got drunk, I wish we could go back, not to change it, but to feel it twice. To feel his hands touching my skin and feeling his warmth again, I don't think he felt the affection I did. He makes me feel nostalgic for a love that never happened yet. I was a selfish pain, but he was a cure and cure that made me different in any way possible. He doesn't know that though, wished he did. Wished he knew how much he means to me and how much he changed me in a positive way. The little things that I didn't tell him, kill me, Because there wasn't a us.
I have always loved too much, or not enough. I hoped I loved too much, because he deserved it. His chocolate creamy eyes were like the sweet coffee he made me try, His lips probably tasted like the whiskey we drank when we were drunk, His hair looked the autumn trees that day when we went through that forest. I am a lover without a lover which sucks so much. Oh boy, that's how much I want him. But, love is too hard to carry without falling or tripping over things that matter the most. I always felt heavy when I was around him, I think I fell too hard. I've written a 100 messages and again, I never sent them. It's weird to miss someone who is right next to you, looking at the stars around you. Maybe the stars are more astonishing then the love I've ever had for him, I want to try harder to him but I'm afraid to fall down again. My life is a struggle between rejection, I don't know why, guess I was hurt too much?
Even the stars know I was hurt because I looked at them too much with the tears streaming down my dark brown eyes. I even thought he knew I was hurt because he always asked me what's wrong and I say "nothing", as always. It's so much easier then saying nothing, then telling them what's going on because I don't know what's going on.
He was tattooed on my heart, leaving trails of other hearts behind. We've talked for hours and hours about how he wanted a tattoo of a leaf. I didn't know what he meant first, "The leaf stands for growth" he also said that he wanted it was because he grew to become a better person. I smiled at what he said, which made me want a bonsai tree. It means, convey the symbols of meditation, harmony, peace, order of thoughts, balance and all that is good. He made harmony, peace, balance, and everything that is good in the world. I also want another tattoo, a birch tree. It means, new beginnings and cleansing of the past and vision quests.
I want a new beginning, I told him that. I wanted to cleanse everything bad around me, like demons haunting a house. I felt like a demon, inside a angel. A angel that has been fallen, a fallen angel? that's what everyone says.
His name was Michael, Like the archangel. "Michael and his angels fought with the dragon; and the dragon and his angels fought, but they did not prevail, nor was a place found for them in heaven any longer." He resembled Michael, the archangel, fighting for what he believed in.
Oh god, He was open-minded, sensitive but strong, reckless but innocent, charming, humble, and always wants to learn and read his books. I wish I held on a little more...