Umupo ako sa bakanteng swing na alam kong wala namang uupo pang iba. This is odd, usually naman maraming nakatambay dito. Pero sabagay, it's 11:30 PM. What do I expect? I recall what happened this day. Wala naman. Walang bago. Tila isa lang akong hangin sa kanila. Kumbaga, isa lang akong invisible creature.
It hurts, especially when you know they can't even give a single shit to you.
I looked at my wrist. Natatawa ako sa sarili ko.
I remembered my first day on my school, I remembered how excitedly I was when I saw everyone heading to their own room. But they look opposite to me, they all look lame. Para bang normal na lang sa kanila 'to. Pero sabagay, transferry ako. What do I expect?
I cheered myself to cover my trembling hands, I am nervous. Why should I?
I walked my way to my assigned classroom. Nang marating ko ang classroom ko, binuksan ko ito at bumungad sakin ang mga kaklase kong nakatingin sakin habang hawak nila yung mga papel na binabato nila, nakatigil sa pinag uusapan, ay nakatitig lang sa direksyon ko.
Pero tinuloy nila ang ginagawa nila nang mag sink in ata sa kanila na hindi naman ako yung teacher nila. Pumasok na ako at umupo sa pinakadulo. I don't know, I felt something in my chest. I felt disappointed. I thought my new school is like my old school back then, a cheerful friends around me, a talkative seatmates, but they are all just the opposite of them, I think.
They weren't approachable.
Days had passed, I am still invisible, wala pa ding nakakapansin sakin. Pakiramdam ko wala na talaga akong magiging kaibigan. I wished for God for people to notice me, my existence. But hell, life is so unfair.
God fulfilled my wish. But fate is just too playful that I even wished again to take back my first wish, parang genie. Pero wala. Walang makakapigil sa katotohanan. Walang makakapigil kay tadhana, kasi pag siya na ang nagdesisyon, pati ata si kamatayan matutuwa sa kanya.
Nagsimula na akong magtanong sa sarili ko kung saan ako nagkamali. Kasi habang tumatagal, napapansin na nila ako, napapansin na nila na may nakaupo sa likod nila, na may bago silang kaklase, na kahit papano merong Hazel sa likod nila.
"Hi." Bati sakin nung babaeng famous dito sa campus. I smiled. I thought mag-iisa na lang ako sa school na 'to.
"H-Hello." Nauutal kong sagot dito. Ayoko talaga siyang kausapin, nahihiya ako.
"Don't be shy. I'm Ginger." Napatingala ako sa kanya at natigagal. This is really unexpected. A famous girl here? Talking to me? Unbelievable.
That was the day I became happy since I'd been in that school. I don't feel like isolated anymore, I don't feel like being in an island anymore.
As the days goes on, as we became closer, people are starting to judge me. Telling me I was using her to be noticed, to a famewhore. She said they are stupid, she said I should just ignore everyone around us, because afterall, we live our life for ourselves, not for anyone.
I'm skinny. And that's became their target. They called me annorexic, they called me ugly. But hey, who cares? Who cares if I have Ginger?
My smile is just so real, my eyes just fuckin' shine so bright. I love to laugh.
She protects me. She's my knight in shining skirt. Ang saya saya ko.
But like what I said, fate is just too playful to me.
She left me.
I just end up being isolated, left in an isle, oppress and poor, for once again.
Mas naging harsh sila sakin. They threw me some crumpled paper, I can't eat, they threw out my foods, I can't use trains to go home because they steal my money.
But still, I smile, I fake a laugh. That's what I always do since Ginger left me. I'd been in a mess, yet I still smile because of the thought that maybe they will stop, maybe if I smile they will het tires.
Afterall, I'm stupid. I let them get me on their hands. I let them play with my mind. I let them eat myself out.
Palagi na lang akong nabubully, parang normal na yun sakin araw-araw. At normal na din sakin na palaging umiiyak sa tuktok ng rooftop.
"Oy! Putangina! 'Wag ka namang umiyak dito, Miss! Di ako makatulog! Kingina!" Sigaw ng isang lalaki galing sa likod ko. Napapahid ako ng luha ko at napatingin sa kanya.
"Ano bang alam mo!?" Sigaw ko pabalik sa kanya. That was the first time I talked back.
Nakaramdam ako ng mabigat na yabag sa likod ko. And that's when I felt someone sat beside me except kay Ginger.
"Ano nga bang alam ko? Ang alam ko lang naman ikaw ang palaging nabubully. Ikaw yung laging natatapunan ng arinang may itlog. Ang tanga mo kasi. Di ka marunong lumaban. You're ugly as fuck, pero holy shit man. Don't let them stomp on you. Kick their ass."
I felt comfort in his words. He just called me ugly as fuck but I felt comfort. And that's weird.
I knew him more everytime I go to the rooftop. He's scary. Maraming natatakot sa kanya dahil mukha siyang gangster. Pero habang tumatagal, mas nakilala ko siya. He looks tough, but he also have his weakness. He's a bully, but he chose who will be his victim. He looks dumb, but hey, he's wise.
We knew each other more, and that's when he asked me for more, more than friends. I laughed at that thought of 'us' being together. It's like blending an oil to a water.
Pero nagpursigi siya sakin. That's when I felt love. A real one.
I fell in love with him until now but one day all about us were just once upon a time without a happily ever after.
When I was about to go to our date, couple of guys asked if I know him. I told them that I am. They all laughed. They all scream. Maybe in happiness, maybe in anger.
I shouted his name. I felt helpless. Pakiramdam ko masyado na akong napapalibutan para lumaban.
And that's the day they took everything from me. Binaboy nila ang pagkatao ko.
"Subukan mong magsumbong kahit kanino, si Jiro? Puta. Isang bala lang yung hayup na 'yon samin eh! Ano?! Pag nagsumbong ka kahit kanino o pinagsabi mo 'to babalikan ka talaga namin!" They left me under the cold night without anything left from me. I felt empty.
Nagkita kami ni Jiro sa rooftop. He was so mad. Bakit daw di ako sumipot? Bakit daw di man lang ako tumawag o nagpaalam kung may emergency man lang? Yun yung araw na umiyak lang ako ng umiyak. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanya yung nangyari sakin, pero wala.
Kumalat yung balita na di na ako virgin, alam kong umabot yon kay Jiro. Pero wala na akong balita sa kanya, parang bumalik siya sa dating siya. Bulakbol. Alak. Babae. At ako? Bumalik din sa dati.
Mga tao sa paligid ko? Lahat sila hinusgahan ang pagkatao ko.
Anorexic. Ugly. Whore. Slut. Bitch. Kung anu-ano. Pakiramdam ko namamanhid buong katawan ko kada tatawanan nila ako sa hallway at sasabihin kung gaano ako kawalan ng importansya. Walang nakinig sakin. Walang lumapit. Sinarili ko lahat ng problema ko.
Those guys who made me feel like I'm a thrash, their laugh and screams are still echoing inside my head.
Tinignan ko ang paligid ko. Andito na ulit ako sa bahay namin. Nakita ko yung picture frame ng pamilya ko sa tabi ng couch namin.
I looked at the little Hazel. Her eyes that shined so bright, are now being filled with tears. Her laugh so loud that turned into a sobbing sound. Her smile that can melt anyone's heart is just another smile that can make everyone cry. A little Hazel that once held a candy is now trying to hold a gun.
Umakyat ako sa kwarto ko gusto ko nang magpahinga. Pagod na pagod ako ngayon.
Pero natigagal ako sa nakita ko.
Ang sarili kong nakabigti sa loob ng aking silid at kumurba ang aking ngiti habang kitang kita ang mga magulang kong binabasa ang suicide note ko habang umiiyak. Pighati. Lungkot. Iba-ibang reaksyon sa mukha nila.
"Ma, Pa. Wala kayong kasalanan."
