BURN

Chapter 1: The beginning of her end

AUTHORS NOTE: Please listen to the song as you read through the story. It would mean a lot, thank you! It also helps to understand their feelings.

CHAPTER I

"DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD LEAVE"

"He was just trying to find color in this black and white world."

Day 1

FOUR HOURS AGO I HAD DISCOVERED MY BOYFRIEND HAD DIED. Four hours ago my doubts had come true. Four hours ago my life finally crumbled, my walls perished into tears of sorrow and intense regret. I lost myself in a bleak ocean of heartache; an ocean that consumed my hopes, my dreams, my spirits to keep on going. It turned, formed me, and carved me into a monster I had so desperately wanted to escape. I was no longer a young girl, I was no longer just the student that sat in the back of the class; I was now a body possessed by thoughts and memories that drove me insane inside and out. Thoughts that made me beg to God, preach and scream why of all things, why of all people it had to be him. I had already gone through enough hell in my life as a child; I had already lived through the abyss of abuse and torture that I didn't need this. But I suppose I deserved it; every ounce of it. I'm just as evil as everyone thinks.

My shaky fingers reached out to the cup sitting at the table, bringing it up to my lips. The world had gotten bleaker, thinner, and harder to live through – even my own drink.

I remember the day he disappeared; April 9th. I remember coming back from school and checking my messages on my laptop to see if he replied to my last message. He didn't. He never did. After that he had disappeared for exactly a week, and today is the 8th day he's been gone. Two days ago it felt like a relief when I woke up, like someone had finally decided to leave, like he had chosen to forgive all the things I had done to him, for every lie, for every mistake. I didn't know if it was just me feeling better and hoping he would reply soon. Now is the day I get told his phone was disconnected because he stopped paying the bills, because he's dead. Nobody had heard from him.

Tomorrows Friday and I don't know how I'm going to take it, I don't know if I'm just going to break down in front of everyone. I don't know how I'll forget about him, I don't know if I'll have fun, I don't know if I'll ever be able to smile again, I don't know if I'll ever feel the same. There's a big part of my heart, my soul that belonged to him and when he died, that part of me died with him.

All those times we spent fighting, holding each other; supporting each other. Never before have they been so precious to me. Now that he's gone I can't help it but think what will happen of my life; if I'll ever learn to let my heart fly free and fall in love once more. I'm young, I'm stupid and I'll do even stupider things now that he is gone.

Now that he's dead, and I missed his funeral because no one bothered to tell me anything, I felt awful. How could his family not mention anything; his friends, and then I realized it. His family never said anything or announced it to anyone. They kept it a secret; they made him a mystery to the world. They never called me because they didn't have my number. His family didn't know me. To them I was another friend of his. To them I was just a girl he spent time with. They didn't know about all the nights I spoke to him, talking to him about my problems and him talking to me about his.

We bonded, we became one. He was my leverage, my hope. I fought for him, he fought for me. It was never a one way relationship. I can't count how many times I've messaged him when he wants to do something stupid. Or how many endless conversations I've had with him.

To think that I will never feel the touch of his hand, the sound of his comforting voice. It was agonizing. It burned me inside like ashes and my heart throbbed with discomfort and seclusion. The air in my lungs was shortened, and my vision became a blur. Water dripped from my eyes, gliding down my face. I was crying, something I wasn't comfortable with.