LANDA POV
"CJ, stop running around the house with that toy. I told you that's dangerous baby" I knew this didn't matter at all, he would stop running for a few minutes in fear of getting in trouble, then start up again--you know I should really just take that toy away from him.
"Yes ma'am mommy ma'am"
He hasn't fully grasped the concept that you don't have to say it twice, but his manners are great.
Besides, I couldn't take the toy away from him, enough has been taken away from him that he doesn't even know about yet. Taken away from the both of us.
It's been two years since Camron was found dead. I still vividly remember the moment the police knocked on my door and broke it to me. I couldn't believe it, there I was, almost 4 months pregnant, a complete mess-and now I'm alone. I sat by his hospital bed for countless hours. I begged him to stay with us, I figured saying us would trigger it in his brain that he has a kid too. I held his hand so tight, I kissed him so many times, I talked to him so much. Until the day came where his brain showed no more activity what so ever, it was time to let go. Unplug the machine.
If there's anything I still hear, it's the beeping of his heart monitor. I heard it go from a steady beep, to nothing at all. Then it dawned on me, the man I assumed I'd be with until we were 104, was gone. He came into my life and it was love at first sight. I wanted to give up, and be with him. Then I remember, I'm pregnant--I have a lot to live for.
Labor wasn't beautiful. I didn't get to lean over and shake my sleeping boyfriend and frantically tell him "it's time". I didn't get to see him quickly pull some clothes on and help me out the bed. I didn't feel a hand holding mine while I pushed. I didn't feel a man kiss my forehead after the baby was born and he was in my arms.
I woke up, wet, realized my water had broke. Somehow drove myself to the hospital (do not ask how). Checked myself in. Held the sides of the bed while I pushed. And kissed my son on his forehead. That night, we slept in the room alone. There was nobody to say "wow, what a beautiful baby we made". To talk about the beautiful journey we were both about to embark on.
When the time came to sign the birth certificate and give this boy a name, I became extremely upset. Anguish rushed over me, where was Camron? Why wasn't he here to legally claim his baby? To enforce the name CJ he had enforced all along. Reality set in, I was all Camron Junior had, and he was all I had.
We left the hospital the next day, luckily I had given birth to a very healthy baby boy, and came out healthy myself. A friend had helped me decorate his room and get the essentials for his arrival. Everything was ready for him.
I will not pretend to be a superwoman, because I'm not. I cried myself to sleep and asked why all the time. I became frustrated and didn't know what to do multiple times. At one point, I considered giving CJ up for adoption because I just couldn't do it.
Two years later, I could not be more happier that I didn't. I would've hated myself forever. I still think about Camron all the time, but when I do it doesn't hurt. I just feel a sense of peace and protection. I wish he was here everyday, but I know I have to push on. For CJ.
