How It Is To Be Like her

Meeting The New Clown

Your POV
I was in a dark field. No flowers, no moon, just grass and the mist surrounding me. Just dark, as if everybody has left me. I guess they did. As I continue to walk towards nothingness, I tripped over my own body. 

My body?! Wha-what the heck.... But, I look so peaceful... How can I look so peaceful after all that I've been through? Oh and I'm wearing a peach nightgown... I would never wear that. 

     As I inspected my body, I saw that I was holding a rose and beside my corpse was a shovel. For some reason I just took it and started digging. I don't know how long I was digging but I know it took me days. When it was finally enough, I went to go get my body. As I carried myself to the grave I dug out for my own, I realized how stunning I was. I would never admit it, but I do look good now at least. I loved how my messy hair still looked presentable. And that peaceful smile, I've lost my ability to smile that way. I lost it when everybody left me. Ever since I was young, I never really wanted to live for me, I lived to make people smile when they cried. My ultimate childhood dream was to keep people happy. To save them from themselves. Because I know how they feel, I know how much it sucks to live for no reason, to have no purpose. As I grew up I realized that people loved it when I stayed away, when I wasn't in their way. So I did that.

      As I reached the grave, I just couldn't do it. I know I hate myself for what I've become, but I just couldn't do it. Everybody else left me, should I do it to myself to? Then I heard "them". I heard Depression, Disgust, Anxiety, Fear. They keep telling me all these rotten words that could slice a man's heart. Saying that I should just give up since I'll never get anywhere, that how can I love someone who hurts people unintentionally and intentionally just because I am hurting inside,  that people will never like me in anyway, that people will always leave me no matter what, even myself. 

     So I laughed. I laughed it all off because it's just a really good anesthesia. Tears just hurts too much. I decided to fix things up. I went to find a new place for my body, and I found the end of the mist. The end was a beautiful field filled with beautiful array of flowers and the moon shines bright. There I laid my corpse and I left her there at peace. As much as I want to stay, I already belong to the mist. and "they" all just dragged me away, as I was making and laughing at my own jokes.

Then I woke up. It was 6:30 am and I just woke up from all of the nightmare. Sure I still have "them", but it's fine. I'll commit to my childhood dream, because everyone is fighting their own battle inside. Least I could do is to be kind and to keep them happy. I live for them, not for me.