I Can Do Both *REUPLOAD*

✧19✧

“Mom? Hello? I’m home!”

Felix kicked off his shoes in the entryway of the apartment, holding his breath to listen for his mother. He was preparing for the worst.

“Mom?” He called again tentatively, stepping into the main area, which consisted of a living room that connected to a rather small kitchen that could, at most, fit four people. The whole area was littered with empty soda cans, half-drained bottles of vodka, and piles of cigarette buds. The two pictures that hung on the wall were rather sad, hinting that someone had made a poor attempt to decorate the space years ago.

When he didn’t see his mother, Felix took heavy steps down the narrow hallway that led to her room. The door was cracked, and Felix’s nose immediately filled with the putrid stench of alcohol.

If it weren't already obvious, his mom was an alcoholic.

But she wasn’t always like this. Believe it or not, she used to be a vibrant, warm woman with many friends and a fulfilling job. But after her boss molested her, they moved and lost everything.

Felix entered the room to see his mom passed out on her bed in unwashed sheets, dirty clothes, greasy hair, and an empty bottle of vodka in hand. Sighing, Felix picked her fingers off the bottle and set it on the nightstand, which was already overflowing with bottles alike, all taken from her in the past. He carefully closed the door behind him as he left and locked himself into his room, allowing himself to drop his weight onto his bed. He lay in the silence that was his room with a blank face. His jaw hurt from smiling. He hated smiling. Yet, he did it to disguise his fears. That of which began to prick his eyes in the form of tears. But he refused to let them fall. If he broke his composure now, it would be harder to maintain it later.

If he broke it now, he may end up doing something really stupid.

He still knew where the blades were; on top of his bookshelf (purposefully hard to reach), underneath his giant duck plushie.

He was two months clean. He wouldn’t allow himself to be weak and give in to the constant overwhelming temptation. He couldn’t.

To busy his mind, Felix sat himself in the middle of his floor and pulled a box from under his bed. Plucking a bottle of white nail polish from the container, Felix leaned back against his mattress and tucked his knees into his body as he carefully took the time to paint his nails. He intentionally did it as slowly and methodically as possible. Long enough for the thoughts to go away. And for the times when they didn’t, he would paint his toes as well.

Was his mom going to judge him? Yes. Did he care? No. Felix turned rather rebellious when it came to his mom. Especially with her beliefs that men weren’t allowed to be feminine or have boyfriends (or anything really that didn’t fit into the societal norms, one would call “toxic masculinity”). In other words, Felix and everything about Felix were wrong.
A reminder he received frequently from his mom.

But he didn’t care what she said.

He didn’t care if she hated his nails…

“Hyunjin would like them,” Felix murmured.

He stopped, taking a moment to think about what he had just told himself.

Had Hyunjin really just become that influential in his life? Come to think of it, he had stopped self-harming around the time he took an interest in Hyunjin. But it was bizarre to him. Felix usually didn’t go after people like him. This was different. He was different. So what was it about Hyunjin that made him so different? So special?

Felix was all for adventure, but this journey was scary. The path wasn’t clear, and every tread felt rocky and unusual. He didn't have a map this time. He didn’t have a clue what he was doing when it came to Hwang Hyunjin. With Hyunjin came uncertainty.

But with Hyunjin also came security. Something about him made it safe. He felt at home. Which was something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

✧

It was the day of the Spring festival, and deep in his closet, Felix was panicking. He had a problem he had never had before: What to wear?

He was debating between overalls and a skirt when his mom burst into his room. The door slammed into the wall (it fit perfectly into the indented wall, already accustomed to its fair amount of attacks) and Felix jumped out of the closet, holding his options in either arm.

“Lee Felix, where do you think you’re headed off to this morning?”

“ The Spring Festival?” Felix rolled his eyes, avoiding eye contact with the mess of a woman before him.

“That thing? That’s an hour away, Felix. And everyone who goes to that thing is probably gay,” She said, pulling out a cigarette from her back pocket.

“It’s not a pride parade, Mom. And please don’t smoke in my room.”

“I’ll do whatever the hell I want in my own house. What the fuck do you think you’re wearing? Y’sure as hell not wearing that skirt―Are you wearing nail polish?? Again with that crap, Felix? How many times have I told you that that shit is gay…” Felix began to tune her out as usual. Eventually, her words faded into the back of his mind, the blades becoming dull against his heart. Slowly and quietly, he tucked his painted fingers under the fabric.

So maybe he cared a little bit.

Finally, after his mom left, Felix threw down the beautiful skirt he was holding, along with the light blue overalls. He instead picked out a pair of plain jean shorts. He pushed down the acid that was quickly climbing its way to his mouth. He took a yellow sweater out of the mix of clothing. With trembling fingers, he took off his PJs, never looking down at his thighs, where his scars stuck out like a sore thumb. They were as noticeable as jewels among a land of rocks, as noticeable as shells in the sand, as noticeable as grass growing in the crack of a sidewalk. The immense urge to create new, fresh marks that would seep red, hot, copper-tasting blood—was stronger than the day before. The vomit climbed back up.

But, once again, he shoved it all into a tiny box in the folds of his mind.

Hyunjin.

He was going to see Hyunjin.

Felid slipped into his white Converse and tugged on a matching bucket hat before scrambling out the door quickly so his mom couldn’t say anything more.

Hyunjin was waiting on his own porch, where they had agreed to meet. Felix couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from tugging up as he watched the black-haired boy rock back and forth on his heels, whistling away.

From the bottom of the steps, Felix cleared his throat, and the taller snapped his head to Felix, his whistling ceasing as he broke out into the most endearing smile Felix had ever seen.

“You ready?”

Word count: 1200

hi guyssss
i know it's been a bit i am so incredibly sorry
im gonna try to be better about posting but SO much has been going on omg 😭
i love u guyssss

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