I just wanted to be wanted...

memories...

I remember the last time I saw my dad, it's one of the only memoires that kept me fighting through all the years.... we were at the beach on a really hot night playing in the water, running around, playing slash and making sandcastles, laughing and being happy. I remember one minute he was there then the next when I tuned around he was gone, no where to be seen, and ever since that day there was a piece of my heart missing, every day after school, I'd ask the devil (birth mother) "when is dad coming home?" and every day was the same answer for over 16 years "He doesn't love you, so forget about him!!'. I think it was after the last time I saw my father that it all started, which broke me as a child after I worked out why it was happening to me, I think I was about 8 years old when I realised why she would hurt me when I asked about my dad or if she was getting annoyed about something. I realised what was happening because when I was at a friends house their mums and dads wouldn't hurt them, they wouldn't not feed them, they would love their children and make sure they were safe.

There was never love just hate, I would try be the best child for her but yet it was never enough because in her eyes I was my fathers child and she couldn't have him her life so why should I!! I think it was when I was about 10 years old I started to hate the person I was and didn't want to live in my own body, because no matter how hard I tried to dream that one day this would all just stop it got worse... the hitting, the yelling, the bashing, the hate, and the minute I tried to tell someone what was happening to me behind close doors the less people believed me over time because the devil would make up stories and say that "I'm a child and she is just making up stories to get attention" but it wasn't at all, I felt for years I was trapped in world that no one but myself knew about and no one but me could do anything about either, if it wasn't for my friend James Johnson I don't think I'd be here. He was he light to all my dreams, my best friend, always there when things were at there worst! He never gave up hope in anything, even our stupid little dreams of running away together when we were old enough too, or flinging to the moon with our tree house spaceship. He really is the best thing that even came into my life, he always knew how to make me happy even though most of the time it was that happy then you can be, the happy that's not 100% real but you act as if it is to make everyone around you happier because your smiling and they are too. James and I would go on adventurers all the time, portending to be crazy things, this one time we were on the farm playing with the cows and portending they were people and that James and I were the king and queen on the land and that what ever we said the cows must do, so we told them to sing for us and they did in our dreams, we would dance and play games with them and to us in our own little world that day nothing could ruin it but only us, we stayed out playing with those cows for hours and hours, I remember hearing the dinner bell from the farm house and James an I just looked at each other and smiled, we knew what that meant to each other was, 'race you there'. We had our little looks and we knew what they all meant but to others that thought we were we freaks. we ran up to the farm house that night like the wind was pushing us along, I felt like I was the fastest person to ever run it was almost like I was flying. those memoires are the ones I look back on from the farm and think why didn't I just stay and not come back to the devil.....