I just wanted to be wanted...

the lost....

The day I lost my best friend in the whole wind world was the day I think a part of myself died, it would of been the worst day of my life and nothing will ever be worse then that day. No one should ever have to lose someone they need in their life, but then if I hadn't of gone through all of that pain back in the end of year 6 I wouldn't be the same person I am now, my life would of been different to what it is now, I wouldn't tried to not be here several times over that summer or over the years after it. We all go through a time in life where we wish we weren't here and that it would be easier to give up because the pain we are feeling is cutting to deep, whether we say we have or not we have all in our lives gone through it. But some of us don't come back from it but go to another place because we can't deal with the pain any longer, I couldn't start to tell you how many times I weren't to this place in my life to the point I was going to end it all because it would be easier for everyone around me if I was no longer around, I remember the first time I ever cut myself it was the night James died in my arms on that road by the park near my house on hyde st, I couldn't feel anything inside but the feel of death, the feel of losing everything I had ever knew in seconds and not being able to do anything about it because I got there to late to save him...... That night felt like it was never going to end, I remember the knife running along my skin and cutting me without me feeling a thing because I was so numb. I cut so much that I passed out and woke up in hospital.. after that the devil treated me like a was more then nothing in this world and it got worse from then at home, I tried to give up my life so many times over the summer in 2008 because I didn't see the point in giving hope a chance because hope had taken the only thing away from me that was my hope, I probably spent most of the summer coming in and out of a psych ward but the thing was I couldn't say a word where I had been to my other friends when they asked or the devil would send me back, so half the time I just did it so I could get away from her, because it didn't matter anything I did, she would be angry about something and I could cop it. I hated what had come a pond my life and I felt it was all because of me, that's probably not want to be here even more.  I started to lose all feeling inside of myself after that summer, but yet I had to portend nothing was wrong when I walked out of the devils house, portend I was happy and that I wasn't in jail when I walked back in... I don't know how through out the years I didn't turn to drugs or to really bad things that could of ended my life in seconds if I really tried hard enough, and yet I still sit here today and think why didn't I....?

I lost the person I once was growing up, giving hope a chance, not letting the devil break me down but to let her hurt me and move on... but then when my world broke down that person died with James that night but my body didn't, my body tried so hard to keep me alive no matter what I did to it, it knew it wasn't my time to give up on life and that there was a reason I needed to be here. I felt for years after James left numb, nothing inside that I was just going through life in a body that wouldn't give up.  until one day I found a note that James had written to me when we were in year 4 and it made me feel again, like yes all  friends around me tried so hard to make me smile and happy and most of the time I just portended to make them smile and feel happy but inside I was so numb that each night I would come home to the devil be abused by her then I would hurt myself just to see if I could feel anything however the day I found that note I realised I wasn't numb from losing James any more I was numb because I no longer cared about what the devil did to me because I was just going through life as a dead person really, that day I got so upset and angry with myself for feeling like this, I tried to end it all but my cousin found me just before it was to late, they thought they'd lost me and some times I wish they had because the devil didn't deserve someone so for giving and strong in her life.