I've Been Waiting 2 (phan au)

part 1 - dan

Death was never what I thought it would be.

There is no peace, no happiness, no heaven and no hell.

It's an empty void of despair and pain.

Or, at least, when you have to watch the person you love almost fall apart at the seems from your absence.

I'm sitting in a dark room, or as I refer to it, my existential crisis area. Who knew your issues would follow you after death? Ph- I mean he, is struggling. It hurts too much to think even his name, any recollection of him burns, itches, and marks my mind with the agony and regret.

So much regret.

I see his life in my mind, I'm not insane, no, someone named Tyler had told me you can see your most loved one's life if you focused, I live vicariously through Phi- h i s. Tyler's lover had died, shot himself. That's what he told me. I thought about him, if he would kill himself to be with me, and I smiled.

I still hate myself for smiling, or even thinking it.

I want Phil to leave when he wanted to. I want him to go naturally. He's my best friend, he'll find someone to love. Though, I love him, I've loved him more than a friend since 2009, it's 2017 now, and I still do. He'll have a wife, kids, a wonderful home, job, and he'll most of all have the happiness I couldn't seem to provide for him.

- sigh - So you can see why I am the way I am today.

I turn my tabs on him, focusing on only him, but I always find myself seeing the same thing. He was forced to go into grief counseling by our friend, Pj, who'd definitely been trying to get him back on his feet. But it's been a week and a half, and Phil is still in shock at the loss. He mumbles my name a lot, snaps at people, then curses at himself and tries to busy himself with writing.

Tries.

Flashback - November 9th, 2009

"I'm glad you're here Dan, though I've met you twice in person, I've started to feel closer to you, probably because there's no screen in the way, but still," Phil said quietly. We were laying on an abandoned road in Manchester, him pointing out shapes in stars, in typical Phil fashion.

He was smiling, looking at me every so often, telling me he didn't want me to leave.

"I get so sad when you're not with me," he whispered. I froze, it could've been a love confession. I hoped it was. But Phil was the affectionate type of friend - to anyone else they'd think he was flirting with them but he never was. Though, I wish he was flirting with me.

"I do too, but you can call me anytime. If you want to, you should write about it. You have a way with words," I whisper back. He turns and looks at me, our faces only inches apart. He brushes his thumb along my jawline, then removes his hand and turns his attention toward the sky. He mumbled the word 'beautiful' but I'm not sure what's he's talking about.

He did write about it, he left the poems in my pocket after every time we hung out. And I was right, he was incredible at it.

End of Flashback

I can see him now, he's trying to write but he's getting angry, snapping pencils, and eventually his hands are inked, he's breaking pens.

"I miss you," he whispers. I focus harder, trying to somehow transport my thoughts into actions. I imagine myself writing "I miss you too, lion" on the paper and-

"Oh my god, there's no way," Phil says, breathless, interrupting my thoughts. I focus back on him, and there it is, the paper, covered with the words "I miss you too, lion" in black ink and it's in Phil's hands.

This is not my imagination, I know because it's harder to focus on than make believe. I can talk to him, I can communicate with him. My P- lion.

He's shaking, and crying, and breathing heavily with a huge smile on his lips.

"Y-you're an idiot. To le-leave me here by myself? I miss you everyday Dan... And I... I-I uh, never thought that I'd get a sign from you and I just I love you, Dan I love you. Our world isn't s-s-same," he ends, breaking into a crumpled sad mess on my bedroom floor. I imagine brushing his hair out of his face, and holding him, letting him cry into me, like we used to.

He stops crying, looks up in shock, and it looks like he's trying to lean into something. I focus harder on holding him, and see him visibly relaxing.

"I feel your presence Dan, I know you're listening" I smile to myself at his words. He can talk to me, I can talk to him. And with that, I focus on moving his duvet in his face a little, and he laughs in response and gets the hint, climbing into bed. I write "sleep Phil, I'll be here when you wake"

He reads it, replying with a cheerful but still very sad "better be, though I wish it was physically"

He drifts off, a small smile on his face as he disappears from reality.