Reminiscing

Recovery

We need to remember that pain is not evil. Pain reminds us we are alive. This toxic relationship reminds us that we are alive and stupid which honestly is the only good thing that does come from it.

When we find ourself finally letting go, it feels unbelievably breathtaking. Freedom. "The weight has been lifted" so to speak. But unlike drugs or alcohol there is no actual rehab or methodology there to fix what has been broken. There is no way to mend the broken. That is when the self must mend its own.

You will have always tainted me, you have taken my innocence and now I can never have it back. Not purely. I can try to take away the shards of broken pieces and build something new, but there will always be that little bump reminding me that you had control over me and to a certain extent you still do. That you had the upper hand.

I can go through all the phases: sadness, anger, regret. But I'll never get it back; my innocence is gone. You've taken that part of me and you cannot give it back regardless of whether you want to or not. Maybe you can add it to your collection.

And I cannot give you my tainted portion either. Not matter how much I want to rid myself of you, you will always be there. You will always be apart of me. It would be great to just vaporize unflattering memorizes and become the Hercules of our stories.

But

thats

not

how

life

works.

I am no longer that little girl that I was before I met you. The same little girl I tried so desperately to hide so that you could think that I was deep and had these unique thoughts like you did. Now that she is gone there is nothing I want more then to bring her back and tell her that I am sorry for what I had done to her. She did not deserve that.

Drugs can make a person do some stupid things.

I wish there were some kinds of meetings where people could talk about these things. Toxic Talks: What Your Toxic Relationship has Done to You. Share your story. We can all sit in a circle and introduce ourselves to complete, non judgemental strangers and spill our guts. The whole story. The other person's faults. Our faults. We are the protagonist and antagonist. We are allowed to make stupid mistakes. There can even be stale cookies and day old coffee. 

We should remember to never hold grudges. We should take everything and learn from it. No matter how much we want to forget something or ignore it, we can't. So, rather than sitting around cringing at yourself or thinking of "cooler comebacks" try to learn something.

And, never ever should we let these kind of people let us think that there are no good people left in the world. Maybe because of this person you do find someone who makes you feel euphoric, but instead of feeding your evil, this person betters you. Lifts you up and helps your ever changing self become more positive. Good people come in all shapes and sizes too. Sometimes the most unexpected people come to our rescue, saving us from the waves of sadness and neediness that occasionally tries to drown us.

We must learn that this toxicity should not rule our lives and affect us more than it did. This person was there for a period of your life but he or she is not there anymore.