Reminiscing

12.2.15

It was a depressing moment when I realized that I lost you.

I told you that I would fight for you, and that I would never compete for you.

When I said this, you did not understand and you probably still do not understand what this meant. You claimed they were the same thing, and that that will never happen.

What about now?

Well, when the time came for me to compete with that other girl I stayed true to my word.

I would not - could not - have my love for you put to the test. You should know how much I care(d) for you, and obviously I don't mean as much to you as you do to me.

Now you have someone else and I have a shattered heart.

My mind always goes back to those words. I will fight for you not compete for you. Was I wrong? Should I have competed? Was it a competition? But even if I was wrong I will convince myself I am right.

Stop.

Breathe.

Reflect.

Of course like most things, it started out slowly. Like snow. Flake by flake, moment by moment you grew farther and farther away from me, and soon our distance had grown until I finally saw that you were miles away. So far. Too far. How could I not see it? Our fights and anger were different from usual. Now, we stayed mad at each other for weeks on end rather than hours.

We grew distant this time. We didn't recover. And usually when there is some kind of barrier between the two of us we say something, but this time...

I know you can see it.

I miss you so much.

And all these words I want to say are screaming in my head but stuck in my throat. I want to cry out to you. Don't forget me...

I'm still here.

Did you forget our plans. Coffees in college? Kids? Throwing each other congratulatory parties? Making each other's partner's wallow in jealousy?

They're disappearing now. Slowly chipping away. Day by day those dreams become less vivid.

I told you this would happen. I told you high school friendships erode. They never last into college, but you refused to believe that. You said that even if we were on different sides of the country we would still be strong.

Well? Now I can't even have you reply to a simple text message. We go to the same school now; where are you?

If we can break this easily, how are we going to survive? You promised me growing old together and raising each other's children and helping each other with problems.

Is that all gone now?

Am I just some distant friend that you talk shit about?

Any you know what the worst part is? If you do so much as send me a simple text or call me or talk to me, I'll forget everything. I will forget what you put me through. I will forget the constant pain I am currently in.

I like to pride myself on not being a jealous person but I think it's not as true as I thought it to be. What have you done to me? This jealousy has been burning in my stomach for a while now and I can't take it anymore. I can't stand it. Even as I'm writing this, thinking about how you've replaced me, it intensifies, threatening to burst out. I just want - no I need - it to go away because it is always there. Constantly gnawing at me. It intensifies every time I see you. When I see her.

I hate her so much for taking you from me.

Does that make me evil? Are my malicious, catty thoughts in any way justified? I don't know and I really don't care. Why couldn't she leech off someone else. Why couldn't she take someone else's best friend. The simple mention of her name caused a disgusted and malevolent reaction from me. I CANNOT STAND HER.

Why?

WHY!

I felt myself not be your number one.

And that sucks when someone is your number one but you're not theirs. We are not of equal importance to each other, I am not worth as much to you as you are to me. I am no longer your first thought when something occurs. I am no longer there in your stories.

I love you so much and you just slipped out of my fingers. Gone. Lost.

Tell me what is happening. Why is it happening? How do I make it stop.

I felt this one quickly, though. I could see you weren't telling me things. That you were uncomfortable with me. You were avoiding me.

You know what maybe I shouldn't only blame her. But know this, it takes you six girls to replace me. You need six different people to give you what I made you feel.

Maybe that gives me a little something, but I still don't have you so it will never be enough.

How could we have gone from friends to friendly. How?

It makes me sick to the stomach when I think of our recent conversations because they are not our old conversations. They aren't what we used to be. What happened it "whoever woke up first sent the good morning texts" and the "goodnight, I love you" text messages you used to send me that I would see in the morning.

I guess we really do take advantage of the people we love.

Three years in the garbage because we couldn't get off our high horses? You can see it. I know you can.

Please just-

I want things to go back. Don't do this to me. I just want things to be the way they were when we would call each other every night and we would tell each other everything.

I finally opened up and this is what happens?

Why do I have to be the one to fix everything. You know that I'm stubborn.

But that isn't an excuse, is it?

I knew I said I would fight for you but you didn't do the same. You saw me slipping away, you could have stopped it, but that isn't how life works is it?

This one was about a former (?) best friend. I know in the beginning it sounded like I was talking about a boyfriend, but he actualy was not. The two before this, however, were about a guy I liked and liked me...well sometimes, it's complicated.