Under the tree of thoughts

Part one: What am i doing?

"At the same time, every day I stand on my bed, thinking about my choices. "Why did I eat lunch today? If I hadn't I wouldn't have a stomach ache right now." or " Why did I answer that way my exam questions? I could have used better expressions or a more useful vocabulary." or "Should I talk to J****** again? She did something really bad today so... I need to think this carefully!". These are my everyday thoughts. Plain I guess, but isn't that normal? Everyone must have a place to express his thoughts. Some use a diary, or some use their mind.

I have created my own world. A world which exists only for my thoughts, so they will be protected. However I don't look back at the thoughts of the past. If i do that I feel bad. I only expand my lawn of thoughts, every day bit by bit. It's the same routine. It has become a habit of mine.

I imagine myself standing on a blank part of the lawn creating new grass with my words, flowers with my emotions, sometimes a river, whose source I don't know, with my own mistakes. However I never turn my back to see the whole thing. I promised to see it only when I decide to finish my life. That is a promise I made to myself as a kid, one I don't want to break because it is the only thing keeping me alive.

It's not that I'm not curious about my own thoughts, but if I do look back I know I'm going to be scared. That's because a person's mind is always scary. It's hard to stand against your own curiosity, but I always imagine the consequences and that's why I'm still not going to break the promise. I won't know what I've created till my last day on this planet. Even God waited so that the seventh day he rested and watched with proud his finished work. I wonder if I will do the same. I bet I created something beautiful, full with colours." - Those were the thoughts of mine ten years ago, when I was an high school student. That was the first memory of a thought I got when I finally broke my promise, no better said was finally able to finish that promise. Those were honest words but not all of them were true. That image of my lawn of thoughts was wrong. It wasn't colourful at all.

What was standing before me on that last day of mine, was a colourless lawn, full of dead flowers, with a river almost wrecking everything around it. Why was it like that? I still didn't know, but I knew that there would be answers. Answers which I had to look for. The only place which came to mind when I requested for answers was a tree, standing in the middle of my fantasy world. I didn't remember that tree, but it was there, so it was my creation. I wanted to know more and that's why I decided to go pick up some of its fruits. Those were some of my memories, I thought. And I was right, but now I think I made another bad decision, even though it was my last one.

I could have left the colourless lawn and I could have headed towards the light, but I did not. I sought for answers, so I begun eating the deadly fruits of that tree. This is where my story begins. This is where I actually started to understand, but that cost my soul. After this it would be completely lost. However I didn't care, and that was a mistake, because what came after were some terrible memories. Those wouldn't let me go past The Light anymore.

When I got the first fruit, I forgot who I was or what I was doing. I just knew that I was in my land of thoughts and I had to know more. From here after I'm going to retell everything as I remembered, every part that I saw one by one. I was like a little child remembering only bits of my life. I was going to see every memory which made my lawn of thoughts as I saw right then. I sat under the tree of thoughts and I started with my first memory that I'd had planted on that land.